New Plan

I had my appointment with Dr Challenge this evening. Poor love was absolutely exhausted. He had delivered 2 babies today (both IVF babies) and was working late to catch up on all of the appointments he had missed.

And now, a new plan. He knows my reluctance for more surgery, but he is equally reluctant to do another cycle that could be doomed before it begins.

So I guess he wins.

More surgery it is.

But he can't fit me in for a 'look' until the 20th September. I hate waiting. I am such a 'right now' kind of person and my impatience grows with each passing month. And if (when) he finds something, there will be further treatment to wait for. And then, another cycle.

Still waiting, still waiting. I feel like I'll be waiting forever.

If what he finds is mild, he may treat a little there and then and put me on Zoladex before starting the next cycle. If what he finds is extensive, he'll schedule me for a bigger operation and get rid of it all again. And then there will be recovery. And then we cycle again.

I'm really very strongly feeling that all of this won't be finished by Christmas - I won't be smugly rubbing my belly or wondering about the results of a cycle. Another milestone passed, a marker in the history of this process. Another year without the present I crave most. But I don't want to think about that part.

Back to the appointment. I am being sent for another bloodtest as well (Day 3), but it wasn't just all fun and games for me. AdventureBoy is being sent for a new sperm test to see where he's at now. The last one was 2 years ago and wasn't brilliant then. Even though most of the problems are significantly related to me ... he only had 1% normal sperm and not as many of them as would be ideal. Between us, our chances are pretty low without help.

So, we need help, and we'll have to keep using it. Surgery, drugs, injections, acupuncture, herbs, vitamins, everything! My new herbs arrived today and I'm back on the program again (except for the chocolate ice cream that AB bought nome tonight!!!). In this next 3 weeks I'm going to find myself and my body again,ready for more surgery and hopefully recover as quickly as I possible.

My attitude is still really quite positive, despite my impatience. I can't change the process ... I just need to manage it as best I can.

And avoid all of those other pregnant women out there (but not in here of course).

Another one

It's amazing how it's always there ... so close to the surface, ready to rise up and choke you at any moment. You think you're fine. Mostly, you are. And then, a small piece of information, a group of people, a look, a thought ... and you're gasping for breath and clutching at the walls.

Today we were discussing Mrs Designer Lifestyle. They are very close to us and we have spent many important moments of our lives together. They are one of the few IRL friends we have who know anything about everything that has been going on with us. They met up with us on our honeymoon and she was the most non-precious pregnant woman I have ever known. Baby DL is just 9 months old.

They were supposed to be coming over last Saturday night for dinner and they pulled the pin because she wasn't feeling well. AB is selling their home at the moment and while he was there during the week she mentioned that she was still sick and he said, "you're not pregnant are you?". She replied, "shhh, don't talk about it, I don't want to know about it" and quickly changed the subject.

Now, for Mrs DL, this will be the worst situation she could have imagined. She is not particularly attached to the idea of motherhood, but knew that she at least wanted one to avoid a lonely old age. Just the other week, she said she didn't actually want another one and needed to find a way of breaking it Mr DL who is keen for more. Her career is her life and she has just started feeling that she is on top of it again.

And now, she might have 'accidently' and unwillingly achieved what we all know is the hardest thing in the world to reach. I told AB that I feel sad for me about this, and he told me that was a pretty selfish attitude. Normally, he's a lot more understanding than that, but he said "there are pregnant women everywhere" and I said "yeah, and I can't cope with any of them".

Maybe it is selfish, but it's the only way I know how.

How do we do it? Are we really that strong?

How do I do it?

I can't alienate all of my friends and aquaintances. I will have no-one else around me. It's not the mothers who are bothering me - it's the pregnancies. The hard of dread is pressing on my heart and I don't want it to be true bacuase I don't want to have to deal with it. I wish I could lock myself in a big box until I could come out of it, round bellied and growing, waiting for my own.

This weekend, we went to visit AdventureBoy's brother in another city on the other side of Sydney. Their daughter just turned 3 and while I had a few pangs, I'm really OK with their situation. Envious, perhaps, but on the whole, just part of the family. The pregnant women I saw while we were out for breakfast were much more difficult.

Strangely, however, I don't feel the same way about bloggers who have made it to the other side. It's almost like they have paid their price and deserve to be there. I could in no way resent their pregnancy and I am genuinely happy for their success. I do find it a little hard at times to read about that success and the ongoing experiences that come with it, but I don't resent it or them.

I just resent those pregnancies that happen so easily for everyone else, especially those who don't want them.

When is it going to be my turn?

In which I have to make some choices ...

I sent this email to Dr Challenge last Thursday:


Subject: Not this time ...

Hi Pretty Boy (AKA Dr Challenge - we are on a first-name basis now),

My period started yesterday, so this one is obviously not going to be
the one. I didn't feel very confident about it, with the delayed embryo
and minimal eggs retreived. So, while I'm not surprised, I am still very
disappointed.

My question for today is, what happens now?

I would like to do another cycle, but you were talking of possible
endometriosis to be addressed. I am really not very keen for more
surgery. What do you think is the nature of this endometriosis? Didn't
you say you removed it during the retreival? Is there another
alternative to surgery? Are you sure there actually is endometriosis?

Sorry, a lot of questions there. I just want this to work, and I don't
understand why this cycle was so unsuccessful.

Thanks for considering these - I'll look forward to your reply.

StellaNova



This is his reply:


Dear StellaNova, I'm pretty disappointed as well but mostly for you two.
Endometriosis can come back. We don't always get rid of it all and we do
believe it influences IVF results especially if within an ovary where
the eggs are made.

Can you ring Lovely Secretary and come in to see me about where to go.  I don't
want to have another disappointing IVF cycle again if endometriosis has
returned; equally the prospect of more surgery is not attractive.
Perhaps the best thing is a diagnostic laparoscopy, assess what's
happening then make decisions. One middle option is to damp down the
endometriosis with an injection (if we find minimal/mild endo) and then
go straight into an IVF cycle.

Either way we have to do something before another IVF try.

Hang in there, regroup, get some energy back and I'll keep doing the
best I can for you both StellaNova.

Kindest regards,

Pretty Boy



Now, neither option is particularly attractive to me. Especially as he doesn't
actually know what is in there. Even exploratory surgery will require anaesthetic
and time off for the procedure and recovery.

But, from what he seems to be saying, there will be no point trying again until
he has a look. I have an appointment to see him next week, but I haven't really
got a plan of attack. I don't know how to approach this and I haven't done enough
research about it either.

So, for now, I'm still feeling ok about everything, but the immediate future right
now is just a little too grey.

The best way to go has not jumped out at me and revealed itself.
It would just make everything so much easier.
What would you do?

Today, I walk just a little bit taller

Today, we spent all day in the garden again. Last night, I ate soft cheese and drank wine. Right now, I am feeling free of the pressure that is IF.

Funny, I was really worried about how I would react to the negative result of this cycle. In some ways though, it's not too different from any other month where the answer has been no (apart from the copiuos amounts of money thrown at it all, that is). You see blood, you cry, you move on.

It was the actual pregnancy that was taken away that was so much harder to deal with. In a large part, I'm sure, due to the hormones as well, but the hope I thought I had and the future that I had to lose, that was cruel.

I am actually enjoying the freedom of making no plans. Of not needing to ply myself with hormones every day. I am surprised at how relaxed I am.

It may not last, of course. And I will step back onto the tightrope again. But for today, I'm going to enjoy just being a normal human being. Of eating and drinking what I want and having only naturally produced hormones to influence my emotions.

What I feel is that I have a new chance. A fresh opportunity. The opportunity to get it right this time. To prepare as I wish I had before and to (try to) keep my obsession in check.

I am probably being idealistic. Obsession will undoubtedly rear her ugly head. Things will likely not go as smoothly as I would like them to. But I don't have to give up yet. At the moment, I can afford to keep going. I will keep going until it works. I can't give up and this break is not one of denial ... possibly just a little self-preservation.


So, today, I feel taller. I toss my hair over my shoulders and I turn my face to the sun. The warmth is gentle and it teases the corners of my mouth into a smile. The breeze tickles my eyelashes and I plunge my bare hands into the earth. Plants grow around me and delicate smells play with my memories. I close my eyes and I hear the sound of tiny insects. I stand again and I feel that I am growing. Spring is on it's way and my new buds are swelling. The longer days are calling me to flower. I am ready.

Today, I feel good.

A very unwelcome visitor

There are times that I hate being right.

Today is one of them.

This afternoon, my period started. I had been cramping all day and knew that it was on it's way. There had been no other signs that it was like the cramping I had experienced last time although, until the bleeding, I still had a secret hope. But it was buried deep, deep, deep. Protecting myself.

Lucky.

I don't know how I feel. Flat, sad, resigned.
But I'm calm. I'm thinking about next time. I'm planning for the between times. And I'm looking forward to a glass of wine tomorrow night for FIL's birthday. And then Friday night at a dinner with friends. And then I start getting back into shape again.

I've already started losing a little bit of weight without even trying. I'm going to get fit again and feel good about myself. This cycle didn't go as well and I can't help wondering if it was my physical state that made the difference. So next time, I'm going to give it the best possible chance again.

I wish I didn't need it. I wish this had been the one. But it's not. And there's nothing I can do about it now.

If the magic formula existed, wouldn't we all be using it?

Sorry

Sorry about yesterday's horribly miserable, negative and self-indulgent post. Please ignore me ... I blame the progesterone!!

I'm still looking for signs ... I'm still getting none. Squeezing, prodding, analysing. It can send you bloody crazy!!!!!!!

I really don't think I was this bad last time. Friday seems so far away. And I'm so busy at work - it's not like I haven't got enough distraction. But it's there. In the back of my mind, in the front of my mind, in AdventureBoy's mind. I'm trying not to think about it, but not succeeding.

I'm even dreaming about it.



Floating, drifting, swimming through thick air. Blinking, blurring, light caught in tangled eyelashes.

Sounds penetrate the haze, delicate, quiet, suddenly loud. Shrilling, trilling. Harsh in gentle ears.

Moving through faces in narrow corridors. Pushing, pulled, drawn in all directions. Answering, questioning, searching, researching.

Swimming back to the beginning. The shadow beckons, a detour. Hands grasp, holding, caressing, pushing.

A lock of hair draped in a moon beam. Clouds part and the black lake glows. Ripples, and the entry is neat.

Floating in the darkness again.



But now, I have to read the Australian NSW Science Syllabus in preparation for a meeting I have tomorrow.

Realism or PCM? And the winner will be ...

Even though I have convinced myself that there is nothing going in there anymore, I have decided to go it alone on the Crinone ... at least until a period starts or it runs out ... whichever comes first.

But now I've got myself into a bit of a miserable state. I didn't realise how much I had subconsciously thought this one was going to work ... until I have been presented with the undeniable absence of symptoms of ANY kind. Apart from a headache I have had all day today, I feel way too normal to be anything other than negative. My breasts even seem to have shrunk (along with some of my stomach too, I am grudgingly pleased to say). I have had a small cramp in one spot since about lunch time - lower right abdomen - but it's not the kind of pain which means anything. I remember the feeling I am supposed to be feeling from last time.

And that's a big part of my certainty of failure with this cycle. The actual fleeting success I had before has given me so much ammunition for comparison obsession. Tonight, last time, I had strong, painful, period pain type cramps. In the middle of the night I woke up with a painful need to unrinate. My boobs had been bigger and slightly tender. I was sure my period was starting ... but I was at least feeling something.

Tonight ... nothing. And I should be feeling at least a little by now.

I'm very flat about it all. I am so certain. I hate to be so negative ... I'm sorry to all of you who are trying to have hope. I really would love more than anything to welcome her back in, but I think she's busy enough with all of you.

And, whatever has happened has happened. All I can do now is wait. If PCM was ever going to make it she would have by now. She wasn't all that strong to start with ... a bit of a fighter ... but behind the gun.

I'm wishing for her to make it - don't get me wrong, but Realistic StellaNova is winning the race at this stage of the game.

And I think she's got a strong start.

To self-medicate or not ...?

Well, I'm still feeling no different ... yesterday I kind of thought I was, but today, really nothing more than tired. I had a shocking sleep - I woke up about 10 times - so tired isn't a very surprising state of affairs. Yesterday, my boobs felt slightly bigger, perhaps a little tender, and a 'tight' feeling low down in my abdomen. Although I think I was just trying to convince myself as today the only reason my boobs are sore is because I've been squeezing them so much!!

AB and I spent all day in the garden. We removed a really ugly fence that separates our backyard from the bushland next door and installed some lattice which, while not necessarily more beautiful, allows us to see through to the park and will eventually be covered with the jasmine I have planted along the base. I went to the garden centre and bought loads of gorgeous plants and created a garden along the fence which should look great by the time summer arrives in a few months. My colour scheme is purple, various shades of pink, red and white. This is the 'before' photo, by the way ... I'll post an 'after' when it's looking beautiful.

But now I'm worried I've overdone it in the 'no heavy lifting' and 'taking it easy' departments. It was just such a beautiful winter day I had to get outside and do something. I have been a little bored with so much couch dwelling.

Could I really ruin everything with a day in the garden? I didn't lift anything too heavy - just a few pots and some digging. But I didn't stop all day.

It's so easy to be paranoid.

But, here's the real problem for today ...

Tomorrow, I am due to have the last 2 squirts of Crinone. I have in my possession, however, enough to keep going until next Sunday. They gave me 2 boxes of 15 but have given me instructions to only use them for 9 days. Now, I'm kind of confused about this. Why would they want me to stop? Isn't the purpose of this to provide for me what my body has been unable to produce successfully on it's own? Doesn't my embryo still need it after tomorrow (that's assuming, of course, it's still there)? I hear of so many of you continuing with progesterone until the pregnancy is well and truly established. Is there a valid reason to stop now?

So, my question is, should I keep using it, even though I am not really meant to? I want to give this as much chance as it could have ... could this possibly help? Could it possibly hurt?

It's like a security blanket that I'm not quite ready to give up yet. And I've got the choice this cycle. I've got the drugs!!!!

I could email Dr Challenge and ask him ... but I might not like his answer. And they would know about it with the blood test on Friday if I went alone with my self-medication. Although after Friday, I'll have an answer.

But really, what harm could it do?

Thoughts, anyone ...

A bad case of PBT

I have realised this afternoon that I have a terrible case of PBT (Pre Beta Tension).

I have woken up in the crabbiest mood two days in a row and I have had the lowest tolerance factor on all sorts of issues that normally wouldn't bother me at all. I have been snappy and critical and I think I have almost been looking for problems so I can get cranky about something.

Poor AdventureBoy ... as much as he also shits me at the moment, he's copping it pretty sweet. He has even apologised for things which have been clearly my fault. Or just me being a bitch.

And I can't stop myself. I can see myself doing it ... I can hear those nasty things coming out of my mouth ... but it's like I'm standing outside of myself watching it all happen. I hate myself for it and I want to do it at the same time. I get some macabre satisfaction out of watching it unfold, then instantly regret whatever I have said or done.

I feel like a freak.
But I think it's progesterone poisoning.
Fucking Crinone!

I'm also miserable, ready to burst into tears at any provocation (even imagined ones).

Physically, however, I feel completely normal.
Boobs ... normal.
Quease factor ... normal.
Pee frequency ... normal.
Cramps ... none.
Sleepy ... nope.

Nothing.

The only thing which is different (and for which I am quite grateful) is that I have completely lost my appetite. All of the previous drugs had made me super hungry and, as much as I lamented the fact, I couldn't stop eating. Now, I am kind of back to my normal (if somewhat lesser) pattern of hunger. Of course my weight hasn't changed at all, but I'm just glad to not be comsumed by thoughts of food so much.

So now, the long, slow crawl until next Friday. That's a whole week away! I don't don't know if I (or AB) can cope with this mood until then. I stop the Crinone on Monday, so that might make a difference to my mood. And if it doesn't, I'll try not to fill my posts with too many progesterone-fuelled ravings ...

I just don't want to wait that long. And I know you ALL understand that feeling!

Fundamentally opposed

Yesterday, after the transfer, AdventureBoy and I were sitting in the recovery room (me in the reclining comfy chair and he in the standard hospital room chair - as should be!), both staring into space, lost in our own thoughts.

All I could think about was PCM and why this cycle has progressed so differently. Wondering what chance she would have. Thinking about her speedy growth since Saturday and wondering whether that made her a fighter.

I turned to AB at one point, noticing his reverie, and asked mistily:

What are you thinking about?
(expecting some thoughtful comment on the new chance that we had just been presented with)

My 4pm appointment with Mrs and Mrs Cute Old Couple.
(turning to me earnestly)
Do you think you will be finished with Chinese Cutie Punk by then? I don't want to be late for them and let them down.


And there you have it ... the ingrained and absolutely fundamental difference between us and them. The ability to switch in and out at will. The ability to care but not obsess. The brain in which 'other things' take priority. The 'nothing can be done about it now' attitude. The ability to wait with patience.


I laughed. Are you serious?

Surprise in his eyebrows. Why? What's wrong?

Oh. nothing.


It's just, did he have to start thinking beyond it so soon?

PCM

I'm back. Thanks for all of your encouraging comments. Even though I know they don't change what happens, they certainly make me feel like I'm not alone.

I have an embryo on board, but I'm really not feeling very confident about it. When Scientist Popstar came into our little curtained cubicle, I held me breath nervously. I knew there had to at least be something, or they would have phoned me earlier this morning to tell me not to bother. But I knew, it wasn't ideal.

6 cell had only grown by 1 cell. Both 3 cells had become 4. My heart sank ... 6 cell had been my hope. Then she told me that 4 cell had become a partially compacted morula (that is the stage before blastocyct).

It has caught up a lot, and is only a few hours behind, she said.

But it's not all the way there yet, I grumbled. (yes, I am fully aware how ungrateful I have been)

AdventureBoy held my hand as Dr Challenge arrived. He thought it might have been the endometrioma he drained from my left ovary, disturbing the growth of the follicles. He suggested another laparoscapy if this one doesn't work.

He left and I cried. I don't want any more surgery. I just want a baby.
Poor AB. He is so pained when I am like this. He want to fix it but knows he can't.

So, in we went. Only a small amount of preliminary ski conversation before we were underway. Pain again, almost agony, but quick. He knew what he was dealing with this time and it was all finished in about 10 minutes. PCM (Partially Compacted Morula) was on her way and I crossed my fingers tight. I sooo hope she likes the decoration.

But she's only partially compacted. She's a few hours behind. And I'm feeling very apprehensive about any chance of success. I've even started planning for how I'm going to approach the next attempt. About how I'll need more time off for more surgery. About the fact that 38 is slipping by and this is my last chance for a baby before 39.

I told all of this to Chinese Cutie Punk when I saw her for some needling straight after the procedure. She calmed me down. She sent me to sleep. She really was wonderful. And AdventureBoy and MonkeyBoy were waiting to take me home when I was finished (my sister is working late tonight).

And now MonkeyBoy is harrassing me with "I'm hungry!", calling from in front of the open fridge door. I had better go and feed him.

Am I just the Queen of justification?

I really didn't want to post yesterday. I didn't know what to think about the call. I'm not sure I do now. I've been feeling a bit miserable about it since then.

I was anxiously waiting for it all morning and Scientist Misty didn't end up calling me until 2pm (even though she actually checked them at 7am). Without wanting to acknowledge it to myself, I was totally beside myself by that stage of the afternoon. Last time they had phoned me by 10am and there were a lot more to be excited about.

This time, the news did not excite me at all. Without the previous one to compare it to, I might not have been so disappointed. But last time there were 8 with 3 of them bigger than the biggest I had yesterday. She told me that there was 1 at 6 cells, 1 at 4 cells, 2 at 3 cells, and one had completely given up the ghost and stopped dividing altogether.

Oh, right, I mumbled.

So there's at least one that looks like it will be right on track for Monday, she perked.

I hesitated.

Is everything alright?

Well, I'm actually a bit disappointed with that.

Oh, don't be. It looks like a good embryo. And I checked it very early this morning.

It's just ... not as good ... as last time.

A lot can happen in a couple of hours you know.

But why hasn't it happened already?


OK, so here's the justification bit: this retreival was about 2 hours later than the last one, and they checked them about 2 hours earlier than last time ... that's 4 hours! That's a long time in the life of an embryo, right? A lot can happen in those few hours, like a couple of more cells perhaps?

I keep replaying this information ... justifying, questioning, bargaining. The difference is in the timing, not the quality of the embryos. Isn't it? Everything will all be good on Monday. There will be something to transfer ... right? I have to trust that they know what they're doing, don't I?

They didn't suggest that I'd have nothing to transfer on Monday, but I'm worried. Why isn't this cycle responding as well the last one? What have I done differently? What have I done wrong?

Tomorrow is transfer day. I go in at 12.30pm. It will hurt because I have a twisted cervix. And I don't know if there will be any bubbles left by then.

Please, let there be at least one.

4 Things

Not much going on here really. They don't check on my bubbles until tomorrow morning and transfer is on Monday. Thalia asked if I would be taking them all to blast - that's standard procedure at my clinic, unless tomorrow's checking doesn't look so good and they will call me in then to whip them in straight away (or perhaps, glide them in gently, or torture my twisted cervix- take your pick).

I'm nervous but not thinking about tomorrow's call. I'll just have to wait and see what happens from there.

AB and I have been invited to a wine evening tonight with Mr and Mrs Designer Lifestyle. I'm excited to be going (although won't be actually drinking anything!) but I am absolutely MISERABLE about the fact that none of my clothes fit me. Clothes that were fine just a few months ago are unable to be done up and I feel like a overstretched sausage in all but my track pants. It's DREADFUL! And I can't believe how fast it has happened. These hormones (injected and the natural ones from the pregnancy) really do have an impact. If this cycle doesn't work I will be seriously having a break to get myself physically and emotionally back in shape again.

But now, the 4 Things tag:

4 jobs I have had in my life:

1. Bank Teller - when I first left school I worked in a bank for 2 years before I went to uni. I was only 17 and really wanted to earn some money and prepare my portfolio for my application to uni (I studied Fine Arts and Education).
2. Door Chick - while I was at uni I had 2 jobs - in one of them I worked at a local pub that had bands and I used to have to take money and stamp the arms of patrons. I also used to have to check for ID and had my friendly Maori bouncer, Monster, beside me to turf them out if they didn't toe the line.
3. Department Store cashier and sales - this was my other uni job. I was in what was known as the 'Flying Squad' (wanky name, very Top Gun, I know) and got to work in a different department each shift. I used to LOVE the toy department.
4. Teacher - this has been my job now for the past 16 years (OH MY GOD!!). I have moved from being a visual arts/photography teacher to teaching sociology, history, english and geography. I love this as I have learned new stuff with each new subject I have taken on.

4 movies I watch over and over:

1. The Rocky Horror Picture Show - my sister and I used to watch this obsessively when we lived together during uni. We used to dress up and test new boyfriends by their ability to cope with us dancing around the living room.
2. The Castle - wouldn't truly be understood by anyone who wasn't Australian. Full of dry, 'ocker' humour and quite a few phrases which have made it into the speech patterns of quite a few of my friends. "Tell 'em they're dreaming ..."
3. Shrek - not by choice (even though I think it's hilarious) but we teach this as an animation study to Year 7 English. I watch it is whole and then in several parts about 20 times each year.
4. Moulin Rouge - the theatre, the costumes, the sets - it's like an artwork come to life and I love it. The singing is OK too, but it's really the visual of this movie that I love so much.

4 places I have lived:

1. Sydney, Australia - I have lived in about 15 different places in Sydney which is where I was born and raised.
2. Small city, not far from Sydney - I moved here after my divorce and met AdventureBoy (after a bit) and have been here ever since (sorry I couldn't be more specific, but I really don't want any accidental browsers to make any connections).
3. I also spent a few months of every year in Byron Bay while I was with the Wrong One. His mother had a holiday place up there and I would go there every uni and then school holiday for nearly 10 years.
4. That's it, but maybe I could share a few of AB's? He has lived in London, Meribel, Corsica, Turkey and Sardinia), as well as being born and raised and then returning to small city of point 2.

4 TV programs that I love:

1. Northern Exposure - I know it's not even on air anymore, but it's one of my favourite programs ever. I have the first 3 seasons on DVD and watch at least one episode every week.
2. 24 - that one's AB's fault. I never would have started, but it's so damn addictive. We have just finished the current season here and it's so set up for another one. More late nights!
3. Big Brother - yes, I know it's daggy, but I watch it every year without fail. I started watching it in the first year with Year 12 Society and Culture and have been stuck with it ever since.
4. Doc Martin - set in a gorgeous small English seaside village with a grumpy doctor who hates everyone. Similar in some ways to House (which I also love).

4 places I have been on vacation:

1. Canada - I spent a month skiing in Whistler with the Wrong One. It was beautiful and fun and I loved every bit of it. It is the only time in my life that I actually had a washboard stomach ... ahhh ... those were the days ...
2. Italy - again, with the Wrong One (the first time, anyway). We spent 6 weeks there living with various member sof his family in Rome, Ferrara, Castelfrentano and Sicily. I could live there without hesitation. I love everything about it.
3. Malta - my mother is Maltese and we went there a few years ago when I was on my own. It was a great trip, and I left them and went to Paris for the third time to spend a week on my own.
4. Meribel - AB and I went there for our honeymoon. This is where he lived for 6 years during winter seasons and it was so much fun revisiting his past (and getting a few weeks of skiing in the process). Mr and Mrs Designer Lifestyle met us there as well and it is still the source of many memories and stories today.

4 websites I visit daily:

1. My school site - links to classes, email, activities etc.
2. Lots of blogs - I love you guys ...
   
3. Uni - to check on lots of stuff there, as well as the Library databases which are my best friends!
   
4. aaahh ... depends on the day ... the bank, ebay, other shopping sites etc.

running out of time now ... gotta get ready for night out ... eek ...

4 of my favourite foods:

1. Organic vegies from my garden - I love the taste, the smell, the concept - all of it. Nothing can compare to a meal prepared by me from seed to table. At the moment, I am in a snow pea glut, so plenty of stir fries and they're also delicious straight from the plant.
2. Yoghurt - I make my own yoghurt as well (I not a total hippy, but I love being in control of my own food). I like it best with a passionfruit squeezed into it ... mmm ... yumm ...
3. Plums and mandarins - when we were kids we had two plum trees and a mandarin tree. I used to spend hours sitting in the biggest plum tree, reading books and eating enough plums to make me sick. To this day they are still my favourite fruits and I buy them in bulk whenever they are in season.
   
4. Dark chocolate - the bittersweet, the texture ... I think I'm drooling now!!

OK - now I've really run out of time! I'll have to add to it tomorrow morning. AB will be VERY cranky if I'm late.

Right - I'm just home now - it's about 1am - but I wanted to finish this (how's that for dedication?).

4 places I would rather be right now:

1. In bed ... just joking ... in a labour ward, having just given birth to my healthy baby bubble. Everyone is crowding around me with tears and hugs and you are all there too. :)
2. Back in Paris. I would visit the galleries every morning and do something constructive every day. I would cook, would read, I would study, I would love. Oh, a wonderful place to be.
3. It's a hard question this one... I love where I live ... but I wish things were different. All of my 'would rather be's' involve the family I don't have yet.
4. Skiing somewhere. Somewhere cold and frosty and where I need to wear warm woollen mittens. Winter is truly my favourite season.

4 favourite band / singers:

1. I think I will do this in categories as ther are so many different bands that I like - the first will be the 'old guard' - the music I used to listen to when I was younger - Jane's Addiction; The Ramones; Placebo; REM; Concrete Blonde; Sonic Youth etc. - I have seen all of these bands on tours to Australia and I feel inredibly old about some of them!!
2. What my sister calls the 'strum strum' boys - Jack Johnson; Eagle Eye Cherry; Dave Murray; Ben Harper etc. - good, beautiful listening (and not bad to look at either).
3. The chicks - Norah Jones; Ella Fitzgerald; Billie Holiday; Courtney Love; Missy Higgins; Nina Simone; Edith Pfiaf; Aretha Franklin.
4. All jazz and blues and the occasional classical tune. I don't know enough to know who it is that I like, but I know that I like it.

4 people I would like to tag:

As I am not sure who is interested or already been tagged, I will nominate the following, but all, please join in if you are looking to fill in time:

1. Meg
2. Zee
3. Vee
4. Bea

If you don't feel like joining in, don't stress. Do what you can, if you wish. If I haven't named you (and really, it's just because there's so many of you) please feel free to play. We all need the distraction sometimes.

By the way ... I had 2 glasses of wine tonight and I feel rather tipsy. It's amazing how abstinence can affect you as well.

Goodnight. :)

The Call ... and then a rant

I have just received The Call. When the phone rang my heart jumped into my throat, beating insanely and threatening to choke me. I could barely croak 'hello'.

Saint Anne first prepared me with the fact that 3 of the eggs weren't actually mature.
Right, I thought, down to 7.
But the good news, she said, is that 5 of those have fertilised.

Sigh.

The ratio is good - great even - a shame there weren't more of them. But 5 is 5 and I am hoping, wishing and praying for them to grow in their warm, dark dish.

Please kids, your father and I really want to meet you. We have been waiting so long for you. We love you.

I am right now also sending my uterus cosy thoughts. Make like a duvet, enrich yourself with warmth, be ready .. you know, that kind of stuff .. I feel like a bit of a dill about it at times but I can easily become a sentimental, superstitious mess right now. I think it's only temporary.

Scientist Misty will call me on Saturday with updated report. Last time, I didn't know what I was waiting for. I was kind of happily naive in my oblivion. Now, I know how much is riding on it. That some might drop off along the way. That Monday is far away in the life of a tiny embryo. That all I need is one. That what I want is 5.

Monday seems a long way to me too.


And now, for my rant. As is my privilege on a post-procedure, couch-dwelling day, I get myself a little stash of the latest trashy weeklies. I don't read them at any other time - mostly because they shit me to tears - but I bought some on Tuesday afternoon in preparation for today.

The first article in one of them is about Princess Mary (you know, Aussie girl marries Danish prince, set to become Queen, friend of AB's cousin). Anyway, the focus of this article is her apparent infertility. What the ...?!! It seems that she has been trying now for THREE WHOLE MONTHS and has not yet become pregnant.

The tragedy!

Of course, the article emphasises that she just needs to 'relax' because she is so 'stressed' (I wish I had so much stress - and a wardrobe to match). Then it will just happen (a bit like a bus, really!). She is even quoted as saying she "needs a miracle".

What she needs is a fucking reality check!!! Her child is only 9 months old and she fell pregnant first time with him. If she thinks she has reached 'crisis point' now, pity her if she actually does suffer from REAL infertility.

But with an unlimited budget and the luxury of never needing to work, I'm sure her experiences would be VERY different to any of ours if she ever had to go down that path. She has been flying to London to consult with fertility specialists because her THREE MONTHS of hope have started to fade.

Try YEARS honey, then you'll actually know what it's all about. Then you'll see that Hope packs her bags, gives you the bird and hauls her arse out of your life!!


Sorry .. my rant got a bit carried away there. I actually don't mind her usually. I think she is pretty down to earth and AB's cousin says she is a lovely person. But infertile, with a naturally conceived 9 month old?

I think not!

10

Today there were 10.

It's better than 6 (as the ultrasound indicated) but not as good as 13.

I know, I know ... ungrateful cow. There are some who don't get anything and all it will really take is one. I was just hoping this would be as successful (well really, hopefully more) as last cycle. And I would love to have some left over for freezing.

But I really will be happy with just one healthy, happy embryo which becomes one healthy, happy baby.

Scientist Pop Star, however, told me that only 8 of the 10 retreived looked mature enough to be fertilised. If we have the same rate of fertilisation as before, that means only 4 or 5 will fertilise (and even that's a maybe). Last time, 8 fertilised.

How far will they go then?

Control. I have read so many posts by others about control (or the loss of control) that this process brings. I wish I could force these results. Ensure success. Make it all work.

The numbers game. I am now another step up the ladder. Each time brings me closer to winning the battle against the laws of probability. I have to put faith in that. It's the only way that I can keeping hoping for that positive result.

To keep wishing on that star.

I'm still feeling a bit drowsy now... I will post my results tomorrow when I get 'the call'. I am so nervous about that call. The rest of my day will hinge on that call ... potentially, the rest of my life.