Has it been that long already?

I didn't mean to be gone for so long.

But I definitely needed to have a break. I needed to forget about everything related to fertility and just enjoy my Christmas and holidays with my family.

It was just all getting too hard. I'm sure you all know how that feels.

And I wanted to do the next cycle quietly. I guess I just had an attack of privacy. It wasn't that I wanted to keep all of you out. I really just couldn't face writing about it all again. It felt so repetitive ... you know, cycle 4 and all.

And now I'm in a place I don't feel certain of. I have been here before and it has all amounted to nothing. So I have continued to have nothing to say or, more realistically, not actually knowing how I wanted to say any of it.

But, here goes (with great uncertainty a given, ok) ...
On Day 17dpo beta was 855. Stunned, to say the least. Today I am (I think) 6weeks 3days. I have had an almost complete lack of symptoms other than lots of pee time (night and day) and mildly tender breasts (mostly at night). A bit hungry, but not ravenous and a bloated abdomen.

Over the course of the past two weeks I have sunk to the depths of conviction that it is finished (as it was last time), alternated with fleeting thoughts of 'maybe'. I don't have an ultrasound until next Tuesday and I think I am truly going to go crazy between now and then. I am just so scared.

I know I should be overjoyed and maybe I'll allow myself a bit of that after next Tuesday, but until then I am riding high on the tightrope way too terrified to look down.

And there you go - I probably shouldn't have written after all. But I promise I will keep posting no matter what the news.

Wish me luck.