Monday, March 05, 2007

Has it been that long already?

I didn't mean to be gone for so long.

But I definitely needed to have a break. I needed to forget about everything related to fertility and just enjoy my Christmas and holidays with my family.

It was just all getting too hard. I'm sure you all know how that feels.

And I wanted to do the next cycle quietly. I guess I just had an attack of privacy. It wasn't that I wanted to keep all of you out. I really just couldn't face writing about it all again. It felt so repetitive ... you know, cycle 4 and all.

And now I'm in a place I don't feel certain of. I have been here before and it has all amounted to nothing. So I have continued to have nothing to say or, more realistically, not actually knowing how I wanted to say any of it.

But, here goes (with great uncertainty a given, ok) ...
On Day 17dpo beta was 855. Stunned, to say the least. Today I am (I think) 6weeks 3days. I have had an almost complete lack of symptoms other than lots of pee time (night and day) and mildly tender breasts (mostly at night). A bit hungry, but not ravenous and a bloated abdomen.

Over the course of the past two weeks I have sunk to the depths of conviction that it is finished (as it was last time), alternated with fleeting thoughts of 'maybe'. I don't have an ultrasound until next Tuesday and I think I am truly going to go crazy between now and then. I am just so scared.

I know I should be overjoyed and maybe I'll allow myself a bit of that after next Tuesday, but until then I am riding high on the tightrope way too terrified to look down.

And there you go - I probably shouldn't have written after all. But I promise I will keep posting no matter what the news.

Wish me luck.


At 12:22 am, Blogger Bea said...


You're back!

And you're pregnant!

Well fuck me!

Best of luck...


At 12:56 am, Anonymous Lassie said...

Hey, I've been clicking on you every now and again thinking bloglines lost you.

What a strong beta! Wow, I can't believe you are pregnant. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I've got nothing. Only great hope that your happy ending has begun.

At 3:16 am, Blogger Zee said...

Congratulations, Stella! I'm so glad you're back--and with such wonderful news! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that things continue to go well and that this is The One.

Lots of love,

At 5:58 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Wow! I was wondering where you had gone, since I thought you were cycling at the same time as me again.

Congratulations, and I hope that things continue to go well! Great strong beta!

At 7:42 am, Anonymous Meg said...

Dear Stella, I am so glad to hear from you! I was wondering how you wee doing.. Congratulations; I'll be waiting for the scan results... I hope this works out for you. xxxx

At 8:33 am, Blogger Vee said...

Great to see you back !
And even better to hear your great news.

Good luck with beta.

At 9:01 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Congrats Stella! I am so happy that you are back with wonderful news!

At 11:26 am, Blogger My Reality said...

Welcome back, Stella!!

What wonderful news. I will be sending you lots of luck for your scan next week. Your beta was fantastic!

At 8:21 pm, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Stella, it's good to hear from you -- especially with such great news! I'm hoping the good news keeps on coming for you.

At 4:53 pm, Blogger ellie said...

Congrats. I yes, I completely understand the tentative feelings-- I wonder if that ever goes away?


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