I think I might be ...

I haven't been posting much lately - mainly because I don't want to give into the self-indulgent and ultimately boring and depressive whinging about how I'm feeling so uncertain. I know that before now, those posts from newly pregnant bloggers would hurt - not them, but me. That they were in a place I so desperately wanted to be and all they could do was complain.

And now I now how they feel. From analysing and obsessing over every single aspect of our infertile state, it is only natural to simply transfer that obsession and over-analysis to the new pregnancy. It's impossible to just sit back and be content and confident - and you can triple that if you have already had something go wrong previously.

So, to anyone I may have inadvertently upset, I'm sorry. I totally understand if you need to leave or can't possibly leave a comment just to reassure me ... again! I hope to limit how often I give into this, but I know it will surface at some times or others. Feel free to tell me when I've been ranting for a bit too long as well ... I don't want to end up shitting myself throughout this process.

But I do want my blog to hold a record of my journey, so some of it will inevitably be in a trough. For today, however, I think I am on a peak.

Last night, I was feeling so miserable about my continuing lack of symptoms that I finally quelled AB's annoying optimism with my certainty that it was over. I have never been able to budge that before and that sent my spiralling even further down. If he had lost hope, then surely there was none. And I sat with Dr Google for hours, listening to his horror stories and worst-case scenarios.

I had an appointment with Dr Challenge this morning. I could barely drag myself to his office and when I followed him into the scan room, my heart was thumping in my throat and my stomach was tied in nervous knots. I lay on the table, almost in tears before he inserted the probe. And I saw it, although it had been there before, and I couldn't be sure if it was any different or bigger than last time. I was still holding my breath.

Until he pointed out the heartbeat. I could barely see it because I forgot to bring my glasses (again!), but he tried another angle and it all became clear. He measured it and asked, "when's the due date?"
25th October.
"Spot on," he said and pointed to the bottom of the screen, where it said in luminous green letters, 25th October.
And then it moved. It jumped, in fact and waved it's little arms at us and I really couldn't say a word. I was just so stunned that all of that was still going on inside me and I was feeling absolutely none of it!

So today I'm 9weeks 3days. The heartbeat was 179bpm and it waved. I haven't been sick. My boobs haven't hurt. I have been tired but I'm anaemic. I have been constipated but it's gone. I have been peeing a lot, but it's now reduced as well. My pants are tight but I've put on no weight. I have had so very few of the symptoms that I have ready about in all of the books and sites I have been consulting that I have been certain that it can't possibly be real.

But, I think, I might finally be able to say ... I'm pregnant.


........................................

I am on holidays in 1 more week and I have also taken 3 extra weeks of long service leave to work on my PhD. I now have extra incentive to get it finished as soon as possible. 40 had always been my deadline, but I'm thinking 25th October is looking good now. So, that will be 5 weeks of focussed study and writing. Lucky, really, that I have not been feeling so bad after all.