Monday, August 14, 2006

Realism or PCM? And the winner will be ...

Even though I have convinced myself that there is nothing going in there anymore, I have decided to go it alone on the Crinone ... at least until a period starts or it runs out ... whichever comes first.

But now I've got myself into a bit of a miserable state. I didn't realise how much I had subconsciously thought this one was going to work ... until I have been presented with the undeniable absence of symptoms of ANY kind. Apart from a headache I have had all day today, I feel way too normal to be anything other than negative. My breasts even seem to have shrunk (along with some of my stomach too, I am grudgingly pleased to say). I have had a small cramp in one spot since about lunch time - lower right abdomen - but it's not the kind of pain which means anything. I remember the feeling I am supposed to be feeling from last time.

And that's a big part of my certainty of failure with this cycle. The actual fleeting success I had before has given me so much ammunition for comparison obsession. Tonight, last time, I had strong, painful, period pain type cramps. In the middle of the night I woke up with a painful need to unrinate. My boobs had been bigger and slightly tender. I was sure my period was starting ... but I was at least feeling something.

Tonight ... nothing. And I should be feeling at least a little by now.

I'm very flat about it all. I am so certain. I hate to be so negative ... I'm sorry to all of you who are trying to have hope. I really would love more than anything to welcome her back in, but I think she's busy enough with all of you.

And, whatever has happened has happened. All I can do now is wait. If PCM was ever going to make it she would have by now. She wasn't all that strong to start with ... a bit of a fighter ... but behind the gun.

I'm wishing for her to make it - don't get me wrong, but Realistic StellaNova is winning the race at this stage of the game.

And I think she's got a strong start.


At 10:21 pm, Blogger Bea said...

Stella, I hope you are wrong, really really. But I know what you're saying about "been there, done that, don't need to buy any sort of freaking T-shirt with a big sign on it telling me what's going on".

So... yeah. More waiting, I guess. Nothing more to say.


At 8:53 am, Anonymous lassie said...

Sounds like the road is getting tough, hang in there. Don't let Realistic StellaNova make you crazy. I'll keep wishing with you from my side of the world. Take care, xoxo

At 6:14 pm, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear StellaNova, I, too, hope you are wrong. And I feel for you -- I know what a terrible mind-wrecker all of this is. Hang in there, somehow, and know that we are thinking of you and hoping for you.

At 6:16 pm, Blogger Meg said...

Dearest Stella.

Please know I am thinking of you.

Hard hard hard.


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