Monday, August 20, 2007

Avoidance

It's true. I've been avoiding. And I'm not sure I am even aware enough to say why.

The reality, whilst clearly evident, seems all too tenuous to feel confidence. And to to whinge seems ungrateful. To feel uncertain, unsure, scared and vulnerable all feel like I am not demonstrating appropriate respect or concern for those who aren't here yet.

But it's more than that.

I want to be able to be like all of those other untainted and unscarred pregnant women. I want to feel joy in my belly and confidence in my progress. I want to feel that I deserve this and that the time for worry and concern is behind me.

But it's more than that.

I know things are going well. Every check-up, every scan, every conversation with other pregnant women. Apart from the means of our beginnings, I have been the text-book case of the 'perfect' pregnancy. And that scares me. Why should I be so lucky now? When will the bubble burst and the fairy tale end? And if it doesn't, what did I do to deserve this? What have I done right?

And with everything going so well, what right do I have to be paranoid and worried? I have been in the place where heartbreaking worry lives and I feel like a traitor to my old self. From back there, I always thought that this is where I should feel safe. Free from the burdens of fear, pain and despair. But they have followed me. In a different form, yes, but they are still here.

Most of the time I have them squashed firmly down in a very small place in my mind. And denial has been working well. Which is probably why I have been avoiding. To write is always to bring up the deepest thoughts within sometimes the darkest places. It has been easier to pretend there are no dark places if I don't write about them. And I don't want to become repetitive and boring ... even to myself.

But, I think, I can't bury my head any longer. I know from past experience that my most effective resolutions have always come through writing - whether for myself or for an audience, it doesn't matter. I need to write. I want to feel the joy without the dark cloud threatening to obscure it. Time is passing and my goal will soon be reached. I need to find my peace.

So, I'm back. As I write I am now 30 weeks pregnant and my baby is stretching and kicking against the taught skin of my belly. At times, I develop a very lopsided bump, and AdventureBoy loves nothing more than to place his warm hand on the movement. It always calms both of us down - and I hope it has the same effect once the baby is born! I am feeling well and have put on a steady, but minimal amount of weight. I have had no sickness, cravings or aversions and have been eating pretty much as I normally would.

I have taken leave from my study from now until early next year - my mind has been full of too many other things too really give it my full focus. And I finish work in 6 weeks. That is actually something I'm really looking forward to, even though I have never felt that need before. I usually love my job and I am one the rare people who could say with absolute certainty that I am in the right career for me. But, after 14 years in the one place, a year away is sounding very appealing. And it will give me the opportunity to actually complete my study before I return. So I suppose, I'll be kind of working anyway.

And that's it, for the moment. I will need to do the rounds and visit all those I have neglected in my avoidance. Hopefully, there are more happy stories than sad ones.

See you soon ...

10 Comments:

At 5:21 pm, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear StellaNova, it's so wonderful to hear from you and to know that things are going so well. As for your feelings of avoidance and worry, I sympathize. Sometimes it is truly unfathomable to contemplate one's good fortune after so many failures. I hope that soon, a feeling of joy will settle in your chest. I'm a month away from my due date and it's only yesterday that I dared to open the bags of baby clothes that have been lent to me...

 
At 6:09 pm, Blogger Bea said...

I was wondering where you'd gone! Glad to hear things going well. Wishing you smoothly through the rest. You can write, or not, as you see fit, but please come back to tell us your happy ending, at least!

Bea

 
At 6:14 am, Blogger Pixxiee said...

I was hoping everything was Ok! You had us all worried there for a wee while.

I think that a woman who has been through what we have can NEVER have a pregnancy where she doesn't worry and fret. We know too much. We've lost our innocence. We understand all the things that could possibly go wrong. And any woman who becomes pregnant after all this treatment is aware of those left behind - and there are emotions and issues with that.

So...I think what you are feeling is completely normal. And having a perfect wonderful pregnancy is a gift to you from the Fertility Gods :-) Enjoy it...and please, drop a line now and then so we can all see how you are progressing...and to join you in welcoming your new life to the world.

Hugs

 
At 2:11 am, Blogger Beagle said...

So glad to see an update from you! So glad you're doing well!

 
At 9:06 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

So very glad to hear from you and hear how well the pregnancy has been going. It's so close now...

Please do let us know how things are from time to time.

 
At 2:14 am, Blogger Flygirl said...

Hey there. So glad that you checked in. This is the third post that I've read today along these lines. It hits home with me.

I wonder if we will ever be free of the pain?

 
At 10:47 pm, Blogger Emmie said...

I'm so glad you're back and doing well. Yes, there's a lot of pain out here and yes, bad things happen to good people for no reason, but in the end, I think the good must outweigh the bad. We just have to believe that everything will work out in the end. We infertiles live in constant fear of the other shoe dropping, and I'm one of the ones who have been squashed this past year. But look--I've got two healthy boys now--and isn't that what really matters in the end? Hang in there!

 
At 12:12 pm, Blogger Pixxiee said...

I keep checking back. Hopefully. Wondering if you have updated at all. I hope you are doing ok, I'm scared to ask!

 
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