Maybe I might try (sex)!!!

What do you think are the chances?

VERY outside would be my answer. But I'll give it a go anyway. You know, that mythical concept that sex leads to pregnancy. As I just have to sit around waiting until January for my next cycle, I might as well. You never know, we might even enjoy it!

All of you who are teachers out there will know the intensity of the last few weeks of the school year. I have been frantically marking exams, preparing results, writing reports, checking reports, organising classes for next year, writing presentations, conducting professional development, writing policies, creating handbooks etc etc etc ...

So my absence this last week has been due to time of year rather than emotional distress. Not that I haven't been upset about Bob. I really did think that this one might work. But now that it hasn't, I haven't really had too much time to dwell on it. Being busy sometimes is a good thing.

Dr Challenge is happy with my plan. If my cycle works on time, I will be likely to have egg pick up at the end of January. I guess if it wasn't Christmas I'd be pushing to jump on another cycle again, but with so much to distract me during this time, the wait will be bearable (I say that now, of course, ask me again on the 2nd January!).

And I decided, I need something else to look forward to next year than a baby. I've been putting everything on hold each year, waiting for the 'big thing' that I was sure was going to happen. Waiting ... waiting ... waiting for the baby that's never arrived. And so I end each year with disappointment. By Christmas, I have told myself. Next Christmas, I'll be pregnant.

I've been starting to dread Christmas and the arrival of yet another failed year.

And I know it won't replace anything, but I have booked us a trip to China in April. I have always wanted to visit China, and I teach a unit on China with my Yr 7 class, so now, I'm excited. I have something to look forward to - something I can guarantee will actually happen. I have paid my money, bought my tickets and now, I can go. It will work, unlike the awful uncertainty we face with every cycle we pay for in this game. We don't get our money back if it's broken.

In the meantime, back to reports. I am sorry I haven't been visiting or commenting at your places - but I really just have to survive work at the moment - and then I have a big reward of 6 weeks holiday at the end of it!! I hope to be able to get to some visiting over the weekend ... and I hope all of your stories have been going well right now. If not, I really do feel for you.

Take care.

Time for a makeover?

Bob didn't like the decor.

HCG today - 5.

And I'm OK.
Disappointed - yes.
Mildy heartbroken - yes.
Slightly panicked - yes.
But OK.

I was expecting it and my grieving had been all done and over by yesterday. My body was giving me clear messages that something had been ... but now was gone.

And I've started making a plan. I'm not sure if it's a fully formulated plan yet but, by the end of writing this post, it might be.

So, even though I have 2 frozen embryos, I want to do another stim cycle. Because these are young embryos (compared to a future me at least). If this process ever works, I will want to try it again. And my 40-year-old embryos will have less chance of sticking than these 38-year-old ones. So I'll save them - keep them in the bank - and hopefully get the opportunity to use them for number 2 in the future. Perhaps a little idealistic ... but I have to be ... or why am I bothering with any of this?

But first, I have to have this period, then another, to prepare for the third and pick up / transfer after that. They won't go straight into another stim cycle to protect my ovaries (even though they only collected 5 eggs). Which leaves us kind of hanging around until the end of January, even with my 26-day cycle.

I could potentially have a FET next cycle ... which would appease my impatience ... but I would regret it down the track. I know there are no guarantees about anything - and I'm probably just talking all over the place - sorry to take you on this uncertain journey - but I feel like I'm tentatively happy about these plans.

It will mean that Dr Challenge will be on leave at the time, but I might be able to have Dr Important do it all instead. They are not associated at all except that they use the same clinic, but they sometimes take over each others patients when they are away. In my small town, they are the only 2 fertility specialists we have - prior to Dr Challenge coming to live here, Dr Important was the only one. And I have only heard very good things about him, so I'm not too concerned about having another strange man poking around ... well, you know ... down there! I have lost all dignity when it comes to that part of my body and medical professionals by now.

But, I'm not meeting with Dr Challenge until next week about all of this. I am hoping he will agree that these plans are a good idea - the nurse at the clinic thought so when I discussed them with her this afternoon. I think I'll send him an email tomorrow.

And in the meantime, I'll work on that redecoration. A new colour scheme - a few new cushions perhaps - something that will appeal to an embryo. I've got a couple of months - I hope I can do a good job of it this time ...

Still waiting in limbo ...

I have just spoken to the clinic. It seems that Bob is still making up his mind. My beta is 33. Neither here nor there and I can't keep clinging to this vague hope. I know it can happen to some 'lucky' people that these low numbers go on to become successful pregnancies ... but I can't hold out for luck.

I have a follow-up test on Thursday. Just to confirm the inevitable.

Why can't it just all work out right for a change?

I don't know what to think now.

I guess I just keep holding my breath.

Temptation

I've never really been tempted before. I've seen them beckoning from the shelves of the pharmacy, but their sterile faces did not interest me at all. I could resist. I could wait. But today, I just want to know. I want to jump in my car and make the surreptitious purchase, scanning for familiars before I hand over the cash.

I am still waiting and I still know nothing. If Bob's there, he's not making any form of communication. All is quiet and I'm in the dark, with nothing but clean toilet paper as my guide. This is not following the pattern of either of my 2 previous cycles and I can't make any prediction of what the answer will be.

It's doing my head in (although I'm happy to say I don't have my headache any more). I need to distract - the garden is beckoning - I have student work to mark - I could bring in the dry washing. But, no, I sit here on the computer waiting for an answer to appear. Right now, however, there are only 2 ways I will get that answer. I really want to wait until Monday morning ... why, I don't really know ... I think it's a kind of self-control thing. Maybe I'd like to keep living with 'maybe' rather than a clear 'no'.

Maybe it will be 'yes'.

And so, I wait. I have no answer and I have no clues. Bob is either resting or gone. My period didn't come yesterday as it was due to do, but does that really mean anything anyway?

I am holding my breath.

My vision swims before me and tears glisten in the corners.
I wipe them away but they are hard, like diamonds.
Every step I float into another void.
And my blood echoes louder in my ears.

I am holding my breath.

I pinch, prod and poke the soft flesh.
My body responds with stubborn silence.
Restless footsteps haunt my dreams, though I'm awake.
And I stare into the sun again.

I am holding my breath.

Memories used to be friends in a world without diamonds.
Certainty has been replaced with clouds and wisps.
Grasping at vapours only brings heartache.
And all I know is that I continue.

Holding my breath.

Zombie on the couch

Headache and a half!! Since yesterday afternoon, I have had a really painful compression type, throbbing headache. Today, it was so bad I felt like I was going to throw up every time I moved and had to leave work at lunch time and come home and sleep. It's been awful.

Tonight, it's a little bit better, but I feel so wiped out by it that I can't do anything but sit on the couch like a zombie. I've got heaps of marking to do, although concentrating on looking so closely at student work is just not going to happen. My post here will have to be short as looking at the computer is straining me as well.

Now, I don't think this is anything remotely connected to a symptom. I think it's more directly linked to a sore neck and I thankfully already had a chiropractor appointment booked this afternoon and that seems to have helped, although it was agony during the treatment.

During my afternoon sleep, I woke in some pain with a full bladder but, again, that could have just been a coincidence. Following that, a kind of tight feeling for a while, but I have had that kind of feeling before if I let my bladder get too full.

So, feeling rather flat tonight - drained and ready for bed. Hopefully this headache will be gone tomorrow - and hopefully my period doesn't show up either. Tomorrow is 14dpo (or 9dp5dt - did I write it right?). I could succumb to a pee-stick, but I just don't want to waste my money. Besides, an answer will reveal itself one way or another soon enough.

.................................................

And on other news, Mrs Precious had her baby yesterday. She just phoned me to give me the blow by blow account. Just what I needed ... exactly one month before I would have been due.

I wish I was a punk rocker ...

Reunions are funny things. I think it was interesting and cringeworthy in equal amounts.

The most amazing thing of the afternoon was how many of my ex-classmates had become complete losers!! Or maybe they always were and I just hadn't realised. I has been 20 years since I've seen most of them. The other thing that surprised me as well was how old some of them looked. I always was a bit younger than most of them, but I'm talking months, not the years that some of them appeared. I was a bit frightening really.

But it was funny too. And it was great to catch up with some of my old friends again. Interestingly, the people I felt I had more in common with on Saturday were people I had nothing to do with (and even seriously disliked) when we were at school. Yes, interesting, the passing of time.

In Year 10, I was voted the girl most likely to join a punk-rock band. I was rebellious, subversive and confrontational. I was the somewhat stereotypical arty student who loved the Sex Pistols, wrote poetry and spent all of my time drawing and painting. I was bored with the slow pace of my classes and tried to devise ways to disrupt the lesson as many times as I could. I always received top grades, but I had very little respect for my teachers and authority in general.

Now, I'm a teacher. A coordinator even. I am the position of authority and the irony was a great source of amusement for many of them on Saturday. I was asked by a few, 'why?'.

I thought about it. Why?

I think mainly to be the kind of teacher I wish I'd had. Who understood my boredom and rebelliousness and how it was simply representing the desire of a bright kid to think for herself. To question the rules and analyse their validity before she decided to follow them. And I really do have a soft spot for the naughty kids at school. I look beneath the behaviour and try to figure out the motivation. There are always reasons.

I hope I've been able to help at least ONE of them to feel better about themselves and who they are.

..................................................

And now, news of Bob.

Well, no news of Bob really. Again, it's so hard to tell. I thought my breasts had been a little larger - an little tender - but today, they feel smaller and the tenderness is gone. I have been bloated but it, too, feels like it has diminished tonight. Today, I have been absolutely exhausted and even skipped yoga to come home and have a nanna-nap but tonight, fine again. And crabby, very crabby, although that seems very related to the tiredness.

And that's it. Nothing else and I'm starting to feel that this one is on it's way out as well. I still hoping more than anything that it's not and still doing all the right things in case it has, but I was expecting to feel more by now. Shouldn't I be?

Beta is not until Monday and my period would be due Friday if it comes. I know it will be hard if it comes ... everything seemed to be going so well. And AdventureBoy is so positive. As always.

I wish my body would just agree.

Bits and Bobs

I have my Year 10 school reunion tomorrow. I'm kind of looking forward to it but I'm kind of dreading it at the same time. The part I'm dreading most of all is the 'kids' question. I know I'll be able to deflect it with the usual 'soon' or 'we're working on it', but I really don't want to even be asked. I don't want to be reminded and I won't want to look at photos of theirs. Maybe I could tell them about Bob? Ask Dr Challenge to send me the photo he took of the screen on Wednesday. There ... that one's mine ... gorgeous, don't you think?

I'm astounded at how paranoid I've become this time. I'm convinced that everything I'm doing is going to be the end.

I walk about 500 stairs a day - that will kill Bob.
I strain every morning because of progesterone blockage - that will kill Bob.
I drank 2 cups of tea yesterday - that will kill Bob.
I haven't been drinking enough water - that will kill Bob.
I lifted my 8-year-old nephew tonight - that will kill Bob.

It's exhausting and consuming.

Actually, that last one has made me really paranoid. Straight after I did it, I realised I shouldn't have. He's really only a skinny little thing, and climbed up onto me while I hugged him goodbye after his birthday dinner, but now I think I've strained myself and I'm cranky at myself for forgetting.

But it's so hard not to keep living your life as well. I know, if Bob were stuck, he'd be in by now, but they all say not to lift heavy objects. And maybe Bob will decide this is not a very friendly place at all and pack up and leave.

Every afternoon, AB asks 'how's Bob?' ... I wish I knew. This is going to be a looong wait - it's only been 3 days and already it feels like forever. I'm searching for symptoms, obsessive boob-squeezing, detailed twinge analysis, nipple checking, everything, even though I know it's too early yet. So much for my casual ambivalence.

I think I'm just raving now. A bit all over the place. A bit unsure. A bit paranoid.

I think I'll just go to bed and give Bob time to rest.

BOB

Embryo transfer is tough when you have a chicane in your cervix. Every time, I am in agony. This time wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, but it's still not fun.

I suppose it will hurt a hell of a lot more coming out if it works!

So, we transferred 1. Our clinic doesn't provide photos of them, so Dr Challenge took a pic of the screen with his mobile phone and he's going to send it to me. He was in a rather buoyant mood this morning as he just found out he had been accepted into some Rather Important Fertility Gang of Very Important doctors after 2 years of jumping through hoops and lots of hard work. It was hard to keep him down he was bouncing so much - in a good way, of course - he has never been afraid to show his humanity.

The embryo we transferred was the advanced one from the other day. Scientist Supermodel said it looked great and when I asked why it was a funny egg kind of shape (you know, kind of pointy in one part) she said it was getting ready to hatch. Oh. Still an overachiever ... taking it's business seriously ... ready to come and snuggle in ...

Of the other three, one only went to 10 cells although the other 2 are still at the stage of early blastocyst. She said they looked good and by this afternoon she will know whether they will be developed enough to freeze. She seemed confident that they could be. A few hours can make a lot of difference in the life of an embryo.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I know the crash is much harder from up high. But I've never had such an advanced embryo as this bubble on board (BOB) and never had enough to even consider the possibility of freezing. Those two factors alone are enough, along with the good fertilization rate, the fact that I have no endo at the moment, that I'm actually feeling pretty healthy (and I've worked out how to make my hair look good with this new cut!). My self-preservation is screaming at me to stop. Stop with the hoping, stop with the dreaming, stop with the thoughts of future.

But it's hard to stop having hope. It's hard to stop wishing for this future. Even though I know I could get hurt, these feelings are out of my control. I know I shouldn't be throwing confidence around like there's plenty to spare. But I do feel I have really studied hard this time. I prepared well, I worked on it every night, I did a few practice tests. I even tried a different routine.

Oh, fuck. Who knows? Will it be enough? Is it my turn in the lucky lottery?

Monday 13th ... I will know.

LATE AFTERNOON UPDATE: I have just phoned the clinic and both of them have been frozen. Cold little bubbles. And now I really can't help but hope ...