Sunday, August 27, 2006

Another one

It's amazing how it's always there ... so close to the surface, ready to rise up and choke you at any moment. You think you're fine. Mostly, you are. And then, a small piece of information, a group of people, a look, a thought ... and you're gasping for breath and clutching at the walls.

Today we were discussing Mrs Designer Lifestyle. They are very close to us and we have spent many important moments of our lives together. They are one of the few IRL friends we have who know anything about everything that has been going on with us. They met up with us on our honeymoon and she was the most non-precious pregnant woman I have ever known. Baby DL is just 9 months old.

They were supposed to be coming over last Saturday night for dinner and they pulled the pin because she wasn't feeling well. AB is selling their home at the moment and while he was there during the week she mentioned that she was still sick and he said, "you're not pregnant are you?". She replied, "shhh, don't talk about it, I don't want to know about it" and quickly changed the subject.

Now, for Mrs DL, this will be the worst situation she could have imagined. She is not particularly attached to the idea of motherhood, but knew that she at least wanted one to avoid a lonely old age. Just the other week, she said she didn't actually want another one and needed to find a way of breaking it Mr DL who is keen for more. Her career is her life and she has just started feeling that she is on top of it again.

And now, she might have 'accidently' and unwillingly achieved what we all know is the hardest thing in the world to reach. I told AB that I feel sad for me about this, and he told me that was a pretty selfish attitude. Normally, he's a lot more understanding than that, but he said "there are pregnant women everywhere" and I said "yeah, and I can't cope with any of them".

Maybe it is selfish, but it's the only way I know how.

How do we do it? Are we really that strong?

How do I do it?

I can't alienate all of my friends and aquaintances. I will have no-one else around me. It's not the mothers who are bothering me - it's the pregnancies. The hard of dread is pressing on my heart and I don't want it to be true bacuase I don't want to have to deal with it. I wish I could lock myself in a big box until I could come out of it, round bellied and growing, waiting for my own.

This weekend, we went to visit AdventureBoy's brother in another city on the other side of Sydney. Their daughter just turned 3 and while I had a few pangs, I'm really OK with their situation. Envious, perhaps, but on the whole, just part of the family. The pregnant women I saw while we were out for breakfast were much more difficult.

Strangely, however, I don't feel the same way about bloggers who have made it to the other side. It's almost like they have paid their price and deserve to be there. I could in no way resent their pregnancy and I am genuinely happy for their success. I do find it a little hard at times to read about that success and the ongoing experiences that come with it, but I don't resent it or them.

I just resent those pregnancies that happen so easily for everyone else, especially those who don't want them.

When is it going to be my turn?


At 4:10 pm, Blogger Vee said...

I hear you girl.


At 9:32 pm, Blogger Meg said...

((and from me)))

At 9:51 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

I find it easier with children who were around before we started to realise we had a problem. But for those who came after, like my bf's "oops" baby (no. 3) and my youngest nephew, well, let's just say we haven't exactly bonded. It's just too hard.

I find it incredible now, how eaisily some ppl get pregnant. Unreal, almost.

At 1:42 am, Blogger Heather said...

I'm the same way. totally.

At 7:34 am, Anonymous flygirl said...

I'm not sure which is worse.... finding out someone else is pregnant or having the fact witheld while everyone else knows. It's hurtful either way and neither way make me happy.

At 8:07 am, Blogger Zee said...

I'm TOTALLY with you on this, Stella! Like Thalia said, I don't have a problem with the ones who were here already, but the new ones--the ones who came after we'd begun the cycle of trying and failing--especially the "oops!" ones...UGH! It makes me want to cry and kick the walls. (And, for the record, I don't think it's selfish to feel this way. It's a perfectly reasonable way to feel under the circumstances. As long as I don't cry and kick walls in front of the "oops!" people, of course...)

At 9:56 am, Blogger Bea said...

It'd be nice if we could sit back and say, "Ok - it's over now. That disappointment and grief from the failed cycle? We've worked through it, it's gone and it's fine."

It's such a tense feeling to wait and wonder when it's going to hit you next.

Sorry the news got to you on a day when it could affect you like that.

Why can't everyone just stand in a big line? I'm happy for those who have been trying longer than me to get pregnant first (maybe next month) and then I can get pregnant the month after, and THEN the rest of the sodding universe.

Ok, is this long enough to qualify as a rant now?


At 11:40 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I so hear you on this. Hugs to you.

At 11:53 pm, Blogger Emmie said...

I know how you feel. You're not being selfish. There's just something wrong when someone who really wants a baby and has planned for it can't, and then someone who doesn't want a baby gets pregnant by accident. The funny thing is, I'm sure they feel just as awful about being pregnant as we do about not being pregnant. So screwed up.

At 4:12 am, Blogger Hope548 said...

I know exactly what you're saying and I feel the same way. It's hard to hear about new pregnancies, especially when they're accidental! I keep expecting each couple we know to end up pregnant before me, and I can't deal with it each time it happens. I have to distance myself for a while to come to grips with it. It's just so hard, and we're obviously not crazy, because we all feel this way. Like you said, when a fellow infertile ends up pregnant, I almost feel like it's a victory for our team!

At 5:03 am, Blogger serenity said...

You are not being selfish.

Love and hugs to you.

At 6:55 am, Blogger TeamWinks said...

I wish I had the answer, but I don't know when it will be your turn. If I had my way, we'd all be having children as if it were just an every day occurance!

At 6:55 am, Blogger TeamWinks said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:52 pm, Anonymous Jennie said...

oh chickling, doing what you need to do for self preservation and being selfish (including jealous or envious emotions) are very different kettles of fish, please don't feel bad that you need to distance yourself from whatever it is that is hurting you at the end of the day having a break from friends is much easier to take than losing what little is left of our sanity.

You are definately not alone in feeling as you do and sadly the longer your on this ivf ride the more those feelings permiate every other facet of your life to when even newbie bloggers getting pregnant is enough to make you gasp and walk away. SO do what you need to and know your doing the right thing for YOU.

At 1:42 pm, Blogger sube said...

I'm sorry. I know it's hard.

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