Another one

It's amazing how it's always there ... so close to the surface, ready to rise up and choke you at any moment. You think you're fine. Mostly, you are. And then, a small piece of information, a group of people, a look, a thought ... and you're gasping for breath and clutching at the walls.

Today we were discussing Mrs Designer Lifestyle. They are very close to us and we have spent many important moments of our lives together. They are one of the few IRL friends we have who know anything about everything that has been going on with us. They met up with us on our honeymoon and she was the most non-precious pregnant woman I have ever known. Baby DL is just 9 months old.

They were supposed to be coming over last Saturday night for dinner and they pulled the pin because she wasn't feeling well. AB is selling their home at the moment and while he was there during the week she mentioned that she was still sick and he said, "you're not pregnant are you?". She replied, "shhh, don't talk about it, I don't want to know about it" and quickly changed the subject.

Now, for Mrs DL, this will be the worst situation she could have imagined. She is not particularly attached to the idea of motherhood, but knew that she at least wanted one to avoid a lonely old age. Just the other week, she said she didn't actually want another one and needed to find a way of breaking it Mr DL who is keen for more. Her career is her life and she has just started feeling that she is on top of it again.

And now, she might have 'accidently' and unwillingly achieved what we all know is the hardest thing in the world to reach. I told AB that I feel sad for me about this, and he told me that was a pretty selfish attitude. Normally, he's a lot more understanding than that, but he said "there are pregnant women everywhere" and I said "yeah, and I can't cope with any of them".

Maybe it is selfish, but it's the only way I know how.

How do we do it? Are we really that strong?

How do I do it?

I can't alienate all of my friends and aquaintances. I will have no-one else around me. It's not the mothers who are bothering me - it's the pregnancies. The hard of dread is pressing on my heart and I don't want it to be true bacuase I don't want to have to deal with it. I wish I could lock myself in a big box until I could come out of it, round bellied and growing, waiting for my own.

This weekend, we went to visit AdventureBoy's brother in another city on the other side of Sydney. Their daughter just turned 3 and while I had a few pangs, I'm really OK with their situation. Envious, perhaps, but on the whole, just part of the family. The pregnant women I saw while we were out for breakfast were much more difficult.

Strangely, however, I don't feel the same way about bloggers who have made it to the other side. It's almost like they have paid their price and deserve to be there. I could in no way resent their pregnancy and I am genuinely happy for their success. I do find it a little hard at times to read about that success and the ongoing experiences that come with it, but I don't resent it or them.

I just resent those pregnancies that happen so easily for everyone else, especially those who don't want them.

When is it going to be my turn?