Monday, March 12, 2007

I just want to enjoy this

I keep thinking about everything that can still go wrong. Dr Google has been showing me so many examples of a healthy heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks, then nothing. I still have almost no symptoms and I keep thinking it is all over already.

Every time I squeeze my boobs - are they smaller? Are they sore?
Did I get up fewer times to pee last night - it was 5 the night before?
I'm not as tired this afternoon - I should be worried?
I've only felt queasy for one morning - are my hormones not high enough?
My abdomen is quite bloated, but maybe I'm just fat?

I so much thought that seeing the heartbeat would help me become a little calmer for a while. That I might relax and enjoy this pregnancy, but I have been certain for so long that it has been out of my reach that I still can't believe it will finally happen. And the thing that makes it worse is that it still could turn out that way. After getting this far, there is still a long way to go.

Why should I be so lucky now?

I know I'm further than I've ever been before and I shouldn't be ungrateful. But I want the end as well - I don't think that's too much to ask.

I wish my body would speak to me and tell me what's going on. I have so little to go by - I know the scan was great - right size and strong heartbeat - but it's no guarantee. Does anyone know the percentages or success? Not that it will probably alleviate my worry though ...

AB doesn't understand why I keep doing this to myself. He thinks I should stay positive and believe it will happen. I know he's right, but it's just not that easy.

Sorry for the whine ... maybe it's the hormones????


At 9:52 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

A heartbeat at 6 weeks gives you an 80% chance of a take-home baby, NB a normal take home baby with no chromosomal issues etc. So the odds are pretty good right now. Not a million to one, but still pretty good.

I think after all you've been through it's impossible to be optimistic all the time. I think the thing to aim for is a few minutes of hope at a time, then you can build up to hours, and eventually days. But little moments will do for now.

At 10:17 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Thinking of you, and hoping right along with you that everything remains great!

At 12:15 pm, Blogger Flygirl said...

Whine away! It was quite a while before I felt pregnant at all. I had next to no symptoms. I almost wanted morning sickness just to make it real.

Bask in it honey! This is real!

At 8:15 pm, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Stella, it will probably take a while longer for you to be able to enjoy this. Right now it's natural to focus on the doubt and worry, because that's what we all know, and there are no clear physical signs to go on. This stage is frightening indeed.

With every scan, the probability of things going well increases. If everything looks great at your eight-week scan, your chances of miscarriage decrease to five percent. It won't stop the worries either, but it will help.

So hoping for you, my dear.

At 9:52 am, Blogger My Reality said...

I don't think it is whining. I think it is fear. There is a difference.

I hope you start feeling more confident as this goes on.

At 4:23 pm, Blogger Amy said...

I think I was on edge until the 12th week. Between 12 and 20 weeks I was worried on and off because being relaxed and happy just wasn't something I was used to. 20 to 40 weeks I relaxed a lot and learned to just enjoy it while it lasted because it goes by so quickly. You only have them all to yourself for 40 weeks and then you have to share them with the rest of the world for the rest of your life. You're not whining though, it's completely normal to fee the way that you feel right now. Just remind yourself to enjoy this at some point down the road, but it doesn't have to be now. It's hard after everything you've been through.


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