Sunday, August 20, 2006

Today, I walk just a little bit taller

Today, we spent all day in the garden again. Last night, I ate soft cheese and drank wine. Right now, I am feeling free of the pressure that is IF.

Funny, I was really worried about how I would react to the negative result of this cycle. In some ways though, it's not too different from any other month where the answer has been no
(apart from the copiuos amounts of money thrown at it all, that is). You see blood, you cry, you move on.

It was the actual pregnancy that was taken away that was so much harder to deal with. In a large part, I'm sure, due to the hormones as well, but the hope I thought I had and the future that I had to lose, that was cruel.

I am actually enjoying the freedom of making no plans. Of not needing to ply myself with hormones every day. I am surprised at how relaxed I am.

It may not last, of course. And I will step back onto the tightrope again. But for today, I'm going to enjoy just being a normal human being. Of eating and drinking what I want and having only naturally produced hormones to influence my emotions.

What I feel is that I have a new chance. A fresh opportunity. The opportunity to get it right this time. To prepare as I wish I had before and to (try to) keep my obsession in check.

I am probably being idealistic. Obsession will undoubtedly rear her ugly head. Things will likely not go as smoothly as I would like them to. But I don't have to give up yet. At the moment, I can afford to keep going. I will keep going until it works. I can't give up and this break is not one of denial ... possibly just a little self-preservation.

So, today, I feel taller. I toss my hair over my shoulders and I turn my face to the sun. The warmth is gentle and it teases the corners of my mouth into a smile. The breeze tickles my eyelashes and I plunge my bare hands into the earth. Plants grow around me and delicate smells play with my memories. I close my eyes and I hear the sound of tiny insects. I stand again and I feel that I am growing. Spring is on it's way and my new buds are swelling. The longer days are calling me to flower. I am ready.

Today, I feel good.


At 12:46 am, Blogger daysgoby said...

I hope you have many, many more good days like today!

At 9:24 am, Blogger Beagle said...

I'm so very glad for you.

At 2:01 pm, Blogger Vee said...

Good to hear.

At 4:20 pm, Blogger VanillaDreams said...

I'm so glad you had such a great day! I admire your strength in all of this, and moving forward, taking things in stride...

I wish you many more days like this one!


At 4:42 pm, Anonymous Jennie said...

a good day indeed! very happy for you that you have a plan of action which invovles you being good to and liking yourself :)

At 5:34 pm, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Wow what a wonderful post! x

At 6:25 pm, Blogger Bea said...

Wow, Stella.

I want to join you in that feeling good phase.

How do you do it? It must take great strength and courage.


At 2:31 am, Anonymous flygirl said...

Oh my gosh! What a great post. Very inspirational.

At 7:50 am, Anonymous Watson said...

Stella ~

That was such a beautiful post, your positive attitude is amazing! I'm not sure the whole 'just relax' assvice thing ever works, but when it comes to being positive and feeling hopeful, I do believe that can help. Certainly can't hurt, right?

I hope this feeling and spirit continue to carry you forward.


At 9:00 am, Blogger S said...

You're not being idealistic-you're letting Hope (that greedy bitch)in. If we didn't have the ability to let her in, we wouldn't do this, cycle after cycle. Your strength and courage is a wonderful thing, as well as the day you had.

I wish you many more of those days, no matter what life brings you. I'm thinking of you....

At 12:09 pm, Blogger Kris said...

Great post!


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