Today, I walk just a little bit taller

Today, we spent all day in the garden again. Last night, I ate soft cheese and drank wine. Right now, I am feeling free of the pressure that is IF.

Funny, I was really worried about how I would react to the negative result of this cycle. In some ways though, it's not too different from any other month where the answer has been no (apart from the copiuos amounts of money thrown at it all, that is). You see blood, you cry, you move on.

It was the actual pregnancy that was taken away that was so much harder to deal with. In a large part, I'm sure, due to the hormones as well, but the hope I thought I had and the future that I had to lose, that was cruel.

I am actually enjoying the freedom of making no plans. Of not needing to ply myself with hormones every day. I am surprised at how relaxed I am.

It may not last, of course. And I will step back onto the tightrope again. But for today, I'm going to enjoy just being a normal human being. Of eating and drinking what I want and having only naturally produced hormones to influence my emotions.

What I feel is that I have a new chance. A fresh opportunity. The opportunity to get it right this time. To prepare as I wish I had before and to (try to) keep my obsession in check.

I am probably being idealistic. Obsession will undoubtedly rear her ugly head. Things will likely not go as smoothly as I would like them to. But I don't have to give up yet. At the moment, I can afford to keep going. I will keep going until it works. I can't give up and this break is not one of denial ... possibly just a little self-preservation.


So, today, I feel taller. I toss my hair over my shoulders and I turn my face to the sun. The warmth is gentle and it teases the corners of my mouth into a smile. The breeze tickles my eyelashes and I plunge my bare hands into the earth. Plants grow around me and delicate smells play with my memories. I close my eyes and I hear the sound of tiny insects. I stand again and I feel that I am growing. Spring is on it's way and my new buds are swelling. The longer days are calling me to flower. I am ready.

Today, I feel good.