I think I might be ...

I haven't been posting much lately - mainly because I don't want to give into the self-indulgent and ultimately boring and depressive whinging about how I'm feeling so uncertain. I know that before now, those posts from newly pregnant bloggers would hurt - not them, but me. That they were in a place I so desperately wanted to be and all they could do was complain.

And now I now how they feel. From analysing and obsessing over every single aspect of our infertile state, it is only natural to simply transfer that obsession and over-analysis to the new pregnancy. It's impossible to just sit back and be content and confident - and you can triple that if you have already had something go wrong previously.

So, to anyone I may have inadvertently upset, I'm sorry. I totally understand if you need to leave or can't possibly leave a comment just to reassure me ... again! I hope to limit how often I give into this, but I know it will surface at some times or others. Feel free to tell me when I've been ranting for a bit too long as well ... I don't want to end up shitting myself throughout this process.

But I do want my blog to hold a record of my journey, so some of it will inevitably be in a trough. For today, however, I think I am on a peak.

Last night, I was feeling so miserable about my continuing lack of symptoms that I finally quelled AB's annoying optimism with my certainty that it was over. I have never been able to budge that before and that sent my spiralling even further down. If he had lost hope, then surely there was none. And I sat with Dr Google for hours, listening to his horror stories and worst-case scenarios.

I had an appointment with Dr Challenge this morning. I could barely drag myself to his office and when I followed him into the scan room, my heart was thumping in my throat and my stomach was tied in nervous knots. I lay on the table, almost in tears before he inserted the probe. And I saw it, although it had been there before, and I couldn't be sure if it was any different or bigger than last time. I was still holding my breath.

Until he pointed out the heartbeat. I could barely see it because I forgot to bring my glasses (again!), but he tried another angle and it all became clear. He measured it and asked, "when's the due date?"
25th October.
"Spot on," he said and pointed to the bottom of the screen, where it said in luminous green letters, 25th October.
And then it moved. It jumped, in fact and waved it's little arms at us and I really couldn't say a word. I was just so stunned that all of that was still going on inside me and I was feeling absolutely none of it!

So today I'm 9weeks 3days. The heartbeat was 179bpm and it waved. I haven't been sick. My boobs haven't hurt. I have been tired but I'm anaemic. I have been constipated but it's gone. I have been peeing a lot, but it's now reduced as well. My pants are tight but I've put on no weight. I have had so very few of the symptoms that I have ready about in all of the books and sites I have been consulting that I have been certain that it can't possibly be real.

But, I think, I might finally be able to say ... I'm pregnant.


........................................

I am on holidays in 1 more week and I have also taken 3 extra weeks of long service leave to work on my PhD. I now have extra incentive to get it finished as soon as possible. 40 had always been my deadline, but I'm thinking 25th October is looking good now. So, that will be 5 weeks of focussed study and writing. Lucky, really, that I have not been feeling so bad after all.

This random game of chance

I went to see my GP yesterday to update my referral to my fertility doctor who has now magically become my obstetrician. Apart from reassuring me a little, she sent me for some full bloodwork and a pee in a cup test. She also gave me 4 undated blood forms which I can use whenever I need to. Just knowing they are there gives me a greater feeling of control.

I really think that's a large part of the issue. In every part of my life, I have mostly been in control. At home, at work, in my study and, when I choose to, with my body. If I have wanted anything in my life, I have generally been able to work hard and get it. Achievements haven't always come easily, but they have come. My stubborness has assured that I don't give up.

But this is so different. I have tried and worked and persisted and searched. And there has been nothing I have been able to do to change the outcomes. It all seems to be so random and all I can do is just keep rolling the dice, waiting for those lucky numbers to show up.

I got my HCG result this afternoon and it was 79,451. Are those numbers lucky? Maybe. They seem to be heading in the right direction and I guess my negativity the day before would have assured me they would be nowhere. Last year, at the same stage, it was only 4000, so obviously a lot better than that.

This helps a bit today - I'm possibly feeling a little more relaxed (although believe me, it's only a little). And now I keep waiting. Hopefully I'll still feel this way tomorrow, but who knows?

All I can do is keep rolling the dice.

I just want to enjoy this

I keep thinking about everything that can still go wrong. Dr Google has been showing me so many examples of a healthy heartbeat at 6 1/2 weeks, then nothing. I still have almost no symptoms and I keep thinking it is all over already.

Every time I squeeze my boobs - are they smaller? Are they sore?
Did I get up fewer times to pee last night - it was 5 the night before?
I'm not as tired this afternoon - I should be worried?
I've only felt queasy for one morning - are my hormones not high enough?
My abdomen is quite bloated, but maybe I'm just fat?

I so much thought that seeing the heartbeat would help me become a little calmer for a while. That I might relax and enjoy this pregnancy, but I have been certain for so long that it has been out of my reach that I still can't believe it will finally happen. And the thing that makes it worse is that it still could turn out that way. After getting this far, there is still a long way to go.

Why should I be so lucky now?

I know I'm further than I've ever been before and I shouldn't be ungrateful. But I want the end as well - I don't think that's too much to ask.

I wish my body would speak to me and tell me what's going on. I have so little to go by - I know the scan was great - right size and strong heartbeat - but it's no guarantee. Does anyone know the percentages or success? Not that it will probably alleviate my worry though ...

AB doesn't understand why I keep doing this to myself. He thinks I should stay positive and believe it will happen. I know he's right, but it's just not that easy.

Sorry for the whine ... maybe it's the hormones????

We have a heartbeat!

I didn't realise I had been holding my breath for months until I released it today.

The scan operator was one of the lovely ones I have had before who also went to school with a friend of mine. As soon as she inserted the probe she smiled and said 'there it is'.

At first I couldn't make out what it was that she could see and then she zoomed in on it and there it was - a bean shaped smudge with a tiny white dot pulsating in the middle of it at 130bpm. And then I couldn't see it any more for the tears blurring my vision. I couldn't even look at AB because I was only just holding it together (pathetic, I know!).

So we are measuring today 6w4d (which is exactly what the IVF nurse told me I would be today). 28th October - I hope a happy date for my future - I have passed so many other dates which have become memorials to be sad about.

So thank you all for your thoughts and comments. I know it is still not over yet and I will continue to stress about all sorts of other things now ... but hurdle number 2 has been passed.

And now, I think I need a bath.

Scared

Spotting today.
Scan tomorrow.

My heart is sinking.

Has it been that long already?

I didn't mean to be gone for so long.

But I definitely needed to have a break. I needed to forget about everything related to fertility and just enjoy my Christmas and holidays with my family.

It was just all getting too hard. I'm sure you all know how that feels.

And I wanted to do the next cycle quietly. I guess I just had an attack of privacy. It wasn't that I wanted to keep all of you out. I really just couldn't face writing about it all again. It felt so repetitive ... you know, cycle 4 and all.

And now I'm in a place I don't feel certain of. I have been here before and it has all amounted to nothing. So I have continued to have nothing to say or, more realistically, not actually knowing how I wanted to say any of it.

But, here goes (with great uncertainty a given, ok) ...
On Day 17dpo beta was 855. Stunned, to say the least. Today I am (I think) 6weeks 3days. I have had an almost complete lack of symptoms other than lots of pee time (night and day) and mildly tender breasts (mostly at night). A bit hungry, but not ravenous and a bloated abdomen.

Over the course of the past two weeks I have sunk to the depths of conviction that it is finished (as it was last time), alternated with fleeting thoughts of 'maybe'. I don't have an ultrasound until next Tuesday and I think I am truly going to go crazy between now and then. I am just so scared.

I know I should be overjoyed and maybe I'll allow myself a bit of that after next Tuesday, but until then I am riding high on the tightrope way too terrified to look down.

And there you go - I probably shouldn't have written after all. But I promise I will keep posting no matter what the news.

Wish me luck.