Sunday, August 06, 2006

Am I just the Queen of justification?

I really didn't want to post yesterday. I didn't know what to think about the call. I'm not sure I do now. I've been feeling a bit miserable about it since then.

I was anxiously waiting for it all morning and Scientist Misty didn't end up calling me until 2pm (even though she actually checked them at 7am). Without wanting to acknowledge it to myself, I was totally beside myself by that stage of the afternoon. Last time they had phoned me by 10am and there were a lot more to be excited about.

This time, the news did not excite me at all. Without the previous one to compare it to, I might not have been so disappointed. But last time there were 8 with 3 of them bigger than the biggest I had yesterday. She told me that there was 1 at 6 cells, 1 at 4 cells, 2 at 3 cells, and one had completely given up the ghost and stopped dividing altogether.

Oh, right, I mumbled.

So there's at least one that looks like it will be right on track for Monday, she perked.

I hesitated.

Is everything alright?

Well, I'm actually a bit disappointed with that.

Oh, don't be. It looks like a good embryo. And I checked it very early this morning.

It's just ... not as good ... as last time.

A lot can happen in a couple of hours you know.

But why hasn't it happened already?

OK, so here's the justification bit: this retreival was about 2 hours later than the last one, and they checked them about 2 hours earlier than last time ... that's 4 hours! That's a long time in the life of an embryo, right? A lot can happen in those few hours, like a couple of more cells perhaps?

I keep replaying this information ... justifying, questioning, bargaining. The difference is in the timing, not the quality of the embryos. Isn't it? Everything will all be good on Monday. There will be something to transfer ... right? I have to trust that they know what they're doing, don't I?

They didn't suggest that I'd have nothing to transfer on Monday, but I'm worried. Why isn't this cycle responding as well the last one? What have I done differently? What have I done wrong?

Tomorrow is transfer day. I go in at 12.30pm. It will hurt because I have a twisted cervix. And I don't know if there will be any bubbles left by then.

Please, let there be at least one.


At 10:06 pm, Blogger Meg said...

Stell - Rewind to me a week ago.

I knowknowknow how you feel. And I am thinking of you.


At 10:43 pm, Blogger Vee said...

All the best for tomorrow !

At 11:51 pm, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear StellaNova, I'm keeping my fingers crossed so hard for you. I hope tomorrow goes well and that there will be at least one and that that will be the one that makes it all the way.

I just read your rant about The Royal Infertile. OH BROTHER is all I can say.

Thinking of you.

At 1:08 am, Blogger Zee said...

UGH, Stella! It can never be easy, can it? I'm really sorry the news wasn't better -- but remember, it's still not bad news! I'll be thinking good growing thoughts for your embies, and hoping everything goes well tomorrow. Hang in there! There's a lot of love coming to you from your friends in the computer!

At 7:57 am, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Good luck Stell, this waiting shit is just such hell; crossing everything that your bubbles behave themselves! x

At 11:08 am, Blogger Kris said...

You have done nothing wrong! I'm sure tonight will be restless for you. I am so hopeful for you tomorrow. Grow embies! Grow!

At 11:53 am, Anonymous flygirl said...

I wish I had the time zone thing figured out cause then I'd whisper a prayer right at 1230 your time.

All the same, I'll whisper one now.

Hang in there.

At 2:35 pm, Blogger Lara said...

Hey good luck tomorrow, try to not stress yourself and relax a bit. I know its hard (not that I really know as I've not managed to get myself to this stage of the game yet) anyhoo...Im sure embies will be just fine tomorrow! Keep your chin up!


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