Wednesday, March 14, 2007

This random game of chance

I went to see my GP yesterday to update my referral to my fertility doctor who has now magically become my obstetrician. Apart from reassuring me a little, she sent me for some full bloodwork and a pee in a cup test. She also gave me 4 undated blood forms which I can use whenever I need to. Just knowing they are there gives me a greater feeling of control.

I really think that's a large part of the issue. In every part of my life, I have mostly been in control. At home, at work, in my study and, when I choose to, with my body. If I have wanted anything in my life, I have generally been able to work hard and get it. Achievements haven't always come easily, but they have come. My stubborness has assured that I don't give up.

But this is so different. I have tried and worked and persisted and searched. And there has been nothing I have been able to do to change the outcomes. It all seems to be so random and all I can do is just keep rolling the dice, waiting for those lucky numbers to show up.

I got my HCG result this afternoon and it was 79,451. Are those numbers lucky? Maybe. They seem to be heading in the right direction and I guess my negativity the day before would have assured me they would be nowhere. Last year, at the same stage, it was only 4000, so obviously a lot better than that.

This helps a bit today - I'm possibly feeling a little more relaxed (although believe me, it's only a little). And now I keep waiting. Hopefully I'll still feel this way tomorrow, but who knows?

All I can do is keep rolling the dice.

6 Comments:

At 5:56 am, Blogger Thalia said...

The dice are looking pretty good right now.

One quick piece of assvice if you'll forgive me? Stop with the betas. They don't really tell you much at this point. Ask your doctor for weekly scans at this point - much more inspiring and much more accurate at telling you what is happening.

 
At 8:06 am, Blogger serenity said...

Um WOW - OMG - I can't believe I missed your posts and you went and got yourself a great big ole BFP!!! With a heartbeat and all!

I can't speak from experience, but I can imagine that abject and utter fear is normal, after everything you've been through to get to this point.

*hugs* Nothing much you can do but sit, and wait, and breathe. One step at a time.

That said, I am thrilled that you're at this point, hon!

 
At 11:24 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Yes - "you can't win if you don't play!"

I'm thrilled that things are going so well for you!

 
At 1:34 am, Blogger Beagle said...

It all sounds quite good from here!

Hang in there . . . I hope the waiting stays relatively low stress for you. And congrats on making it this far . . . fingers crossed that is all stays good!

 
At 4:51 pm, Blogger Bea said...

That sounds like an incredibly lucky number to me.

Hope you can continue to relax, little by little, until eventually you even come to enjoy yourself.

Bea

 
At 3:10 pm, Blogger Baby Blues said...

"Persistence over Resistance" that's my motto. I think everyone dealing with IF is just down right stubborn. We just refuse getting stuck with BFNs and we just keep on trying. Because trying gives us control.

Those are amazing numbers! I'm praying for you.

 

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