Has hope left already?

I have been away with no access to a computer or the internet. It's been killing me without my lifeline and only the securely pregnant Mrs Precious to inform and lecture. But more about that later.

We got home on Thursday afternoon, exhausted from the hours of travel we had done in the past two days to get back. Friday was my 7 week 'viability scan'. The very name of it has kept me uncertain this whole time, as well as feeling completely normal beside Mrs Precious' sick and self-imposed fragile state. I was hungry - sure. And tired. Breasts growing and sore(ish) - sometimes more than others. But an undercurrent swamping me ... there should be more.

Mrs Precious: I'd be very surprised if you didn't get sick too.
StellaNova: Why?
Mrs Precious: Because you're so old.

Gape-mouthed and speechless, I simply looked at her and laughed. I wished I had never told her, but spending extended holiday time with another couple made it difficult to act in privacy. I ususally love a glass or three with company and good food - it was very obvious that I wasn't. On reflection, it might have been easier than I thought - Mrs Precious was only noticing, thinking about, and talking about herself.

Continue conversation: And I don't want you to feel good if I have to feel sick.

Of course! It's all about you!

I wish I could have told her to 'shut the fuck up' like I did a few weeks ago as she was grilling me about what I was trying to do to become pregnant. 'I'm pregnant now - I wan't you to be too'. 'I'm private' I told her. But the need for a playmate was her primary goal. She harassed, I deflected. Finally, 'If I'm asking too much, just tell me to shut the fuck up'.

Shut the fuck up.

But back to the scan.

As soon as AdventureBoy and I walked into the scanning room I felt ominous dread. It wasn't the same room I had always had and it wasn't the same operator. She barely looked at me and I felt like she barely had time for me. She was silent whilst frowning at the screen. But I could see what wasn't there. There were two sacs (two! I hadn't even really considered the possibility that they would both stick), but there was not blinking heartbeat in either of them, like I knew I would be expecting to see.

I shut down. AdventureBoy was squinting at the screen with no idea about what he was supposed to be looking at. He looked at me, but I could give him nothing. I was consumed with the pressure on my chest.

There were what I thought were shadows in the centre of each of the sacs, but then she moved the wand and they were gone. For the briefest millisecond I thought I saw a flicker in one, but then it was gone too. Ms Silent began to speak. 'Either it's too early or there's nothing there. But with what you've been through, we know your dates. It's unlikely to be too early'. My heart was squeezed. 'It's certainly not what we like to see at this stage'.

Stupidly, I asked no more questions. I did not note the measurements and I didn't ask about the shadows. 'You'll probably need to go for blood tests and come back again in a couple of weeks for another scan. I'll send a full report to Dr Challenge - he'll have it in an hour and you can phone him then'.

'They close on Friday afternoons', barely a whisper.
'Well you'll have to call him on Monday'.

Right. Thanks. I glanced and the printouts of the scans as we left and didn't even ask to keep one.

Goodbye hope.

Oh

It's not the answer I expected ... and I'm still not sure if I believe it, but it is. At least that's what Saint Anne told me anyway.

I had justified away every feeling I had been having (feeling more flatulent than anything else really) and was not at all expecting the answer.

I am. It's a place I have never been before. I didn't know how to recognise it and I still don't know how it's different. The urgent midnight bladder and the painful cramps if I don't get to it soon enough are the only things which are new. Yesterday I felt so completely normal I was quite sure they had made a mistake.

Maybe they have?
Maybe it's just a dream?
Maybe I am?

I spoke to Saint Meagan when I returned the call. 11am they called me and I could hear excitement in their voice on my message bank.
"Don't get your hopes up" I told myself. "You've been doing that every month for two years now. Protect your heart."
Right-o!

But I was wrong and they told me 126. Not a huge number, but a good number, they said, and I released the breath I had been holding for weeks.

Oh.

Really?

Oh, yes!

They must hear this every time ... what do I do now? They laughed and I am on my way. I have reached the end of the tightrope, but I'm not off the platform yet. It will be a long time before I can descend the ladder and move blinkingly out of the Big Top. All is not over and I am scared.

AdvetureBoy wanted to start telling people straight away. It took a great deal of persuasion to convince him that we're not ready for an audience yet ... hopefully soon ... but not yet. He is disappointed but comes home that afternoon with flowers and fabulous champagne.

"I can't drink that now." He is deflated, but not for long. He is too excited to be contained.

I share his thrill but I am still cautious. There's a long way to go yet.

Almost there

Tomorrow.

I want the answer but I'm scared to get it.

I don't know what to expect - I don't know how to read my body anymore. Every feeling, every twinge, every cramp. Is it, isn't it, is it?

On Monday morning, I stopped the Crinone gel.
"That's all you need" said Saint Anne. Of course, immediate paranoia set in. She told me that it had been to create a nurturing environment for the embryo.
"But doesn't it still need a nurturing environment!?" I asked, with a particular whine in my voice that I always hate.
"Your body takes over now" she replied.

Well, given it's track record, I've lost a little confidence in my body's ability to do the right thing these days. I figured, however, that they probably actually knew a little bit about what they're talking about and just wait until Friday.

And then, on Monday night I developed the strongest feeling of period pain. After years of endo, I know so well the feeling of period pain. I became angry, frustrated, disappointed and sad. I felt so much right then that it was all over. My body just wasn't up to the task of taking over. I went to the bathroom every half hour to check. The pain stopped and started and I woke up in agony at 3am with a full bladder.

But still no bleed. I figured that it was on it's way, but I have been waiting all week.

AdventureBoy, of course, thinks that this means that it has worked. I, of course, am not so confident. That feeling always means a period for me. And I have no other feelings so far that couldn't be explained as just the usual premenstrual symptoms. I have been bloated, and quite full of gas as well (noice!). Any eating seems to trigger it, no matter how bland. But I don't feel pukey at all. My breasts are a little tender, but no more than they normally are (maybe a little bit more today, but not significantly). I am not tired and I am not even particularly hungry. Really, I just haven't had a period yet, but I don't even know when it is due.

I have resisted the temptation to buy a pregnancy test. I haven't even told AdventureBoy that we could. I don't want to have the 'maybe yes, maybe no' uncertainty. I can have uncertainty every second of every day all on my own thanks very much.

Every night, I have climbed onto the lounge with all of my supplied around me; laptop, phone, tv remote, newspaper, several magazine, journal, pens and books. The cat joins me sometimes as well. Every night I have planned to write here. But I have discovered the lure of other people's blogs and I can't tear myself away. So much pain, so many common experiences, so much humour. I have been desperately and frantically searching for stories of the 'two week wait'. How did others feel? What were the outcomes? Who got pregnant and who didn't?

I think I have become addicted.

At least it's passed some of the time. but it certainly hasn't made my time any easier. Cramps can either mean your period is on it's way or you're pregnant. Sore breasts can either mean your period is on it's way or you're pregnant. Bloating can either mean your period is on it's way or you're pregnant. You can understand my confusion. The only definitive answer is the blood test (or a period).

And that's tomorrow.

But I still feel like the period is about to start at any moment. The pain hasn't actually been too bad today, but there have been moments. I am sitting with a heat pack right now,and have been all week. I am very bloated and feel huge. Sometimes the pain has been just on the left side (the side they retreived most of the eggs from), but mostly it has been low and deep cramping. I just don't know.

I had a fabulous massage today. This was the only time, however, that my breasts have felt more uncomfortable than my regular premenstrual breasts. Laying face down was a bit of a challenge, but I got used to it. As I lay there, I wondered if I had ever had a massage whilst premenstrual before? Maybe I've just never experienced this sensation before.

I tell you, it's mind-bending! I look for every sign and then just as quickly explain it away. My masseur (who is a bit of a herb) told me that during the "off-body energy work" she felt that my root chakra was very strong, "a lot of power and energy there" as she held her hands over my abdomen. "But your intuition", she tapped me on the lower chest, "your intuition feels blocked - what intuition are you not listening to?"

As I left, I kept wondering. I don't know. I can't listen because I don't think I know the language.

I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

All of my fingers and toes are crossed.