Friday, August 11, 2006

A bad case of PBT

I have realised this afternoon that I have a terrible case of PBT (Pre Beta Tension).

I have woken up in the crabbiest mood two days in a row and I have had the lowest tolerance factor on all sorts of issues that normally wouldn't bother me at all. I have been snappy and critical and I think I have almost been looking for problems so I can get cranky about something.

Poor AdventureBoy ... as much as he also shits me at the moment, he's copping it pretty sweet. He has even apologised for things which have been clearly my fault. Or just me being a bitch.

And I can't stop myself. I can see myself doing it ... I can hear those nasty things coming out of my mouth ... but it's like I'm standing outside of myself watching it all happen. I hate myself for it and I want to do it at the same time. I get some macabre satisfaction out of watching it unfold, then instantly regret whatever I have said or done.

I feel like a freak.
But I think it's progesterone poisoning.
Fucking Crinone!

I'm also miserable, ready to burst into tears at any provocation (even imagined ones).

Physically, however, I feel completely normal.
Boobs ... normal.
Quease factor ... normal.
Pee frequency ... normal.
Cramps ... none.
Sleepy ... nope.


The only thing which is different (and for which I am quite grateful) is that I have completely lost my appetite. All of the previous drugs had made me super hungry and, as much as I lamented the fact, I couldn't stop eating. Now, I am kind of back to my normal (if somewhat lesser) pattern of hunger. Of course my weight hasn't changed at all, but I'm just glad to not be comsumed by thoughts of food so much.

So now, the long, slow crawl until next Friday. That's a whole week away! I don't don't know if I (or AB) can cope with this mood until then. I stop the Crinone on Monday, so that might make a difference to my mood. And if it doesn't, I'll try not to fill my posts with too many progesterone-fuelled ravings ...

I just don't want to wait that long. And I know you ALL understand that feeling!


At 10:01 pm, Blogger Zee said...

UGH! The 2ww is the WORST! So feel free to rave away--progesterone fueled ravings are our specialty around here. ;-) In the meantime, I'll be keeping all possible appendages crossed for you and the PCM. Hang in there!

At 11:34 pm, Blogger Meg said...

Stell - That bloody progesterone. Its such such awful stuff... I never anticipated that... I thought, for some reason that it would be the stims that would make me a raving crazy bitch.

Are you back at work now?? Is it helping to be distracted??

I am thinking of you and sending love. xxxxx

At 2:27 am, Blogger serenity said...

Ugh - glad to hear that I'm not the only one with progesterone poisoning during my 2ww. I

I am hoping that PCM is settling in your plush lining. Hoping VERY VERY HARD for you...

*hugs* The wait is so fucking hard. I hope it starts to speed up for you a bit.

Love to you -

At 4:48 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I so understand. I have to wait until the 27th because I am going to be out of the country. Hang in there. I hope that the time passes quickly for you. Hugs.

At 7:27 am, Anonymous Watson said...

Yes. I seriously wanted to chew my husband's arm off last month while I was taking progesterone. He made some snarky comment about my television-watching habit and that was IT. Game on sucka.

I hope you feel better soon, and that the PBT eases somewhat. The waiting is the worst!

Hang in there :-)

At 7:33 am, Blogger Pixxiee said...

I think the progesterone combined with the awful bloody 2WW wait is enough to drive anyone over the cliff. I'm in denial...yet somehow I know exactly how many sleeps I have to get through before my beta. Argh. It's insanity at it's best. Go give Adventureboy a hug and tell him you love him really but that if he pisses you off you apologise in advance for the carnage and slaughter to follow.

Distractions? Movies, dinners with friends, anything really that you enjoy to keep your mind off it.

And rave away!

At 9:41 am, Anonymous Jennie said...

I know it bites but I'm so glad to see I'm not the only one who hears what they are saying and cringes, the crinone crankys are the pits.

hoping for the best of outcomes for you and AB.

At 9:54 am, Anonymous flygirl said...

Wishing you the quickest of weeks.

BTW, how you describe standing outside yourself and hearing the venom come spewing out? That's me. Even though I've had the best news, I'm still a queen bitch.

I'm on progesterone still too. Maybe I can blame my irritability on that?

At 4:35 pm, Blogger Bea said...

Oh... because I was about to go fill my blog with progesterone-fuelled ravings. Does this mean I shouldn't?


At 10:53 pm, Anonymous Kath said...

Dear StellaNova, I wonder if anyone has tried the Progesterone Defense in a court of law? It's probably worth a try, especially if all the jurors are women...

AB seems to be taking things in stride. Good for him -- it's the least he can do! ;)

One day at a time, adding up to one more week. And then, with a nice healthy helping of luck, nine more months. So hoping for you.

At 11:58 pm, Blogger Courtney said...

Good luck... good luck!

At 12:01 pm, Anonymous Lassie said...

You hit the nail on the head with Progesterone poisoning. Man, that stuff is evil. Curse the crinone!

Vent away, we can all relate.
Best of luck this week.

At 2:10 pm, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

You mean ivf gets worse?! Say it aint so. Man, i'm just getting over the worst 2 week wait, one filled with severe depression, moodiness, and ravenous hunger. I am dreading ever having to go through that all again. The only thing that worked for me is succumbing to my constant need for m&m's and indulging in fantasies about sleeping straight through the miserable week. Also, taking a couple of days off work helped. I dont know why. i dont hate working. It just helped not being forced out of bed at 5am.

Take care. Hope the boobs start to ache soon, but even if they dont, that doesnt mean anything!

At 8:04 pm, Blogger Vee said...

Oh Geez I will have to tell Max what he has to look forward to. Poor thing.
I like the sound of the loss of appetite though that sound like it would be good for me.

I hope it flys for you and you have lots to keep busy.

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