Temptation

I've never really been tempted before. I've seen them beckoning from the shelves of the pharmacy, but their sterile faces did not interest me at all. I could resist. I could wait. But today, I just want to know. I want to jump in my car and make the surreptitious purchase, scanning for familiars before I hand over the cash.

I am still waiting and I still know nothing. If Bob's there, he's not making any form of communication. All is quiet and I'm in the dark, with nothing but clean toilet paper as my guide. This is not following the pattern of either of my 2 previous cycles and I can't make any prediction of what the answer will be.

It's doing my head in (although I'm happy to say I don't have my headache any more). I need to distract - the garden is beckoning - I have student work to mark - I could bring in the dry washing. But, no, I sit here on the computer waiting for an answer to appear. Right now, however, there are only 2 ways I will get that answer. I really want to wait until Monday morning ... why, I don't really know ... I think it's a kind of self-control thing. Maybe I'd like to keep living with 'maybe' rather than a clear 'no'.

Maybe it will be 'yes'.

And so, I wait. I have no answer and I have no clues. Bob is either resting or gone. My period didn't come yesterday as it was due to do, but does that really mean anything anyway?

I am holding my breath.

My vision swims before me and tears glisten in the corners.
I wipe them away but they are hard, like diamonds.
Every step I float into another void.
And my blood echoes louder in my ears.

I am holding my breath.

I pinch, prod and poke the soft flesh.
My body responds with stubborn silence.
Restless footsteps haunt my dreams, though I'm awake.
And I stare into the sun again.

I am holding my breath.

Memories used to be friends in a world without diamonds.
Certainty has been replaced with clouds and wisps.
Grasping at vapours only brings heartache.
And all I know is that I continue.

Holding my breath.