Saturday, November 11, 2006


I've never really been tempted before. I've seen them beckoning from the shelves of the pharmacy, but their sterile faces did not interest me at all. I could resist. I could wait. But today, I just want to know. I want to jump in my car and make the surreptitious purchase, scanning for familiars before I hand over the cash.

I am still waiting and I still know nothing. If Bob's there, he's not making any form of communication. All is quiet and I'm in the dark, with nothing but clean toilet paper as my guide. This is not following the pattern of either of my 2 previous cycles and I can't make any prediction of what the answer will be.

It's doing my head in (although I'm happy to say I don't have my headache any more). I need to distract - the garden is beckoning - I have student work to mark - I could bring in the dry washing. But, no, I sit here on the computer waiting for an answer to appear. Right now, however, there are only 2 ways I will get that answer. I really want to wait until Monday morning ... why, I don't really know ... I think it's a kind of self-control thing. Maybe I'd like to keep living with 'maybe' rather than a clear 'no'.

Maybe it will be 'yes'.

And so, I wait. I have no answer and I have no clues. Bob is either resting or gone. My period didn't come yesterday as it was due to do, but does that really mean anything anyway?

I am holding my breath.

My vision swims before me and tears glisten in the corners.
I wipe them away but they are hard, like diamonds.
Every step I float into another void.
And my blood echoes louder in my ears.

I am holding my breath.

I pinch, prod and poke the soft flesh.
My body responds with stubborn silence.
Restless footsteps haunt my dreams, though I'm awake.
And I stare into the sun again.

I am holding my breath.

Memories used to be friends in a world without diamonds.
Certainty has been replaced with clouds and wisps.
Grasping at vapours only brings heartache.
And all I know is that I continue.

Holding my breath.


At 8:45 pm, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

OMG, I'm holding my breath for you too.... How I pray that the answer is what you want... x

At 9:11 pm, Blogger Bea said...

That's some beautiful writing. I can really feel the anticipation. Good news so far, too. Here's hoping... I guess we'll be waiting til Monday with you?


At 10:38 pm, Blogger Vee said...

OOh the most difficult time ahead and more waiting.

I will be thinking of you.
Good luck !

At 3:55 am, Blogger Thalia said...

You're a strong woman to be able to avoid them. Let it be yes.

At 7:51 am, Anonymous lassie said...

Lovely words, very poignant.
How can you stand the wait? As soon as AF is late, I'm a poas junkie. Kudo's to you for maintaining self control.
Wishing you all the best, xoxo

At 11:33 am, Blogger My Reality said...

Beautiful words. I am amazed with your self control. I hope that Monday brings you the best news.

At 2:56 am, Blogger Kris said...

I'm holding my breath for you! I hope Monday's news allows you to exhale with much relief!

At 3:45 am, Blogger Zee said...

Hoping for you, Stella! Hoping, hoping, hoping that this time's the charm...

At 3:52 am, Blogger Lara said...

OH the 2ww is such HELL! I hope you get the news you're looking for and that Bob is still hanging in there! It's almost over, be strong! DO NOT POAS! They are EVIL! If you do it and its positive then you wonder if its too early, if its the trigger shot that is still in your system. If its negative you'll say Maybe it's too early, maybe I still could be! Either way it'll do your head in!


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