BOB

Embryo transfer is tough when you have a chicane in your cervix. Every time, I am in agony. This time wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, but it's still not fun.

I suppose it will hurt a hell of a lot more coming out if it works!

So, we transferred 1. Our clinic doesn't provide photos of them, so Dr Challenge took a pic of the screen with his mobile phone and he's going to send it to me. He was in a rather buoyant mood this morning as he just found out he had been accepted into some Rather Important Fertility Gang of Very Important doctors after 2 years of jumping through hoops and lots of hard work. It was hard to keep him down he was bouncing so much - in a good way, of course - he has never been afraid to show his humanity.

The embryo we transferred was the advanced one from the other day. Scientist Supermodel said it looked great and when I asked why it was a funny egg kind of shape (you know, kind of pointy in one part) she said it was getting ready to hatch. Oh. Still an overachiever ... taking it's business seriously ... ready to come and snuggle in ...

Of the other three, one only went to 10 cells although the other 2 are still at the stage of early blastocyst. She said they looked good and by this afternoon she will know whether they will be developed enough to freeze. She seemed confident that they could be. A few hours can make a lot of difference in the life of an embryo.

I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. I know the crash is much harder from up high. But I've never had such an advanced embryo as this bubble on board (BOB) and never had enough to even consider the possibility of freezing. Those two factors alone are enough, along with the good fertilization rate, the fact that I have no endo at the moment, that I'm actually feeling pretty healthy (and I've worked out how to make my hair look good with this new cut!). My self-preservation is screaming at me to stop. Stop with the hoping, stop with the dreaming, stop with the thoughts of future.

But it's hard to stop having hope. It's hard to stop wishing for this future. Even though I know I could get hurt, these feelings are out of my control. I know I shouldn't be throwing confidence around like there's plenty to spare. But I do feel I have really studied hard this time. I prepared well, I worked on it every night, I did a few practice tests. I even tried a different routine.

Oh, fuck. Who knows? Will it be enough? Is it my turn in the lucky lottery?

Monday 13th ... I will know.

LATE AFTERNOON UPDATE: I have just phoned the clinic and both of them have been frozen. Cold little bubbles. And now I really can't help but hope ...