Thursday, November 16, 2006

Time for a makeover?

Bob didn't like the decor.

HCG today - 5.

And I'm OK.
Disappointed - yes.
Mildy heartbroken - yes.
Slightly panicked - yes.
But OK.

I was expecting it and my grieving had been all done and over by yesterday. My body was giving me clear messages that something had been ... but now was gone.

And I've started making a plan. I'm not sure if it's a fully formulated plan yet but, by the end of writing this post, it might be.

So, even though I have 2 frozen embryos, I want to do another stim cycle. Because these are young embryos (compared to a future me at least). If this process ever works, I will want to try it again. And my 40-year-old embryos will have less chance of sticking than these 38-year-old ones. So I'll save them - keep them in the bank - and hopefully get the opportunity to use them for number 2 in the future. Perhaps a little idealistic ... but I have to be ... or why am I bothering with any of this?

But first, I have to have this period, then another, to prepare for the third and pick up / transfer after that. They won't go straight into another stim cycle to protect my ovaries (even though they only collected 5 eggs). Which leaves us kind of hanging around until the end of January, even with my 26-day cycle.

I could potentially have a FET next cycle ... which would appease my impatience ... but I would regret it down the track. I know there are no guarantees about anything - and I'm probably just talking all over the place - sorry to take you on this uncertain journey - but I feel like I'm tentatively happy about these plans.

It will mean that Dr Challenge will be on leave at the time, but I might be able to have Dr Important do it all instead. They are not associated at all except that they use the same clinic, but they sometimes take over each others patients when they are away. In my small town, they are the only 2 fertility specialists we have
- prior to Dr Challenge coming to live here, Dr Important was the only one. And I have only heard very good things about him, so I'm not too concerned about having another strange man poking around ... well, you know ... down there! I have lost all dignity when it comes to that part of my body and medical professionals by now.

But, I'm not meeting with Dr Challenge until next week about all of this. I am hoping he will agree that these plans are a good idea - the nurse at the clinic thought so when I discussed them with her this afternoon. I think I'll send him an email tomorrow.

And in the meantime, I'll work on that redecoration. A new colour scheme - a few new cushions perhaps - something that will appeal to an embryo. I've got a couple of months - I hope I can do a good job of it this time ...


At 10:52 pm, Blogger Meg said...

I'm sorry, Stella. I hoped this would be it.

At 11:04 pm, Blogger Bea said...

I'm sorry. But I know the day of hearing this news is sometimes easier than the previous few days waiting in limbo, feeling any little signs slip away. I hope you're just as ok tomorrow, and I know that soon you'll feel better, even ready again. Meanwhile, happy redecorating.


At 12:45 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I really wish it had been different.

At 1:14 am, Blogger TeamWinks said...

I wonder if there is anything at Embies R Us?

Glad you have a plan, at least it is something to hold on to. Not like a warm fuzzy blanket, but at least it gives you the same feeling. :-)

At 2:36 am, Blogger Heather said...

I'm sorry.

At 3:13 am, Blogger Zee said...

Stella, I'm so sorry. I really thought that this was it. Damn, that sucks! But it's good that you have a plan. (Not that it's anwhere near as good as having things work out, but having a plan makes you feel like you're moving forward at least.)You're an incredibly strong person, and I admire your tenacity greatly. It HAS to work one of these times!

At 3:19 am, Anonymous flygirl said...

I'm so disappointed for you. :(

You sound okay though. I guess having a plan helps with the disappointment in some small way.

At 4:00 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I'm sorry too. And I agree that Bob and Boo are probably holding hands in embryo heaven. (Thanks for your support too.)

Your plan sounds like a good one. I feel the same way - I have to have a plan or I would completely explode, I think.

Your point about "banking" the frozen embies is a good one - and I really hope you have the opportunity to use them for a 2nd child. It is good to think optimistically if you can!

Hugs - I'm sorry that you have to ponder these choices. I know that feeling too. :-(

At 8:44 am, Blogger seattlegal said...

I am so sorry.

At 9:04 am, Blogger Susie said...

Bummer Stella... glad you have a plan. I agree with your logic... have another stim cycle and then you always have the back up of 2 frosties. Take care of yourself ((HUGS))

At 9:06 am, Blogger Vee said...

I'm sorry to hear your news.
It is good to have a plan, I hope the wait doesn't drag out for you.

Keeping busy with decorating is a great idea.

Take care

At 9:27 am, Blogger VanillaDreams said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I know you were kind of expecting this news, but still it sucks.

I was prepared for bad news from my second beta during the August FET -- I guess it helped some, to intuitively know beforehand that the news would be bad, but it still doesn't take away the suckiness of the entire situation.

I wish you the best with all of your plans! I understand the impatience of waiting to last cycle was in August as I mentioned, and we won't be able to do another FET until January or even February at the earliest. I seem to only get one to two cycles done per year! At the rate we're going, I'll be 60 before I see any success!!!!!


At 10:08 am, Anonymous Watson said...

I am so sorry it turned out like this.

I know that having a plan brings some peace of mind, but that knowing you have a wait in store is also very hard.

But follow your gut and if it tells you hang on to the frosties and go for a fresh cycle when you can, that's definitely the best way to move forward.

I'll be rooting for you!!

At 10:39 am, Blogger Thalia said...

Oh bugger. Not the news we all were hoping for. I'm glad you're doing ok.


At 11:49 am, Blogger Sparkle said...

Sorry about the negative.

Great plan - bank the young embies, stim for another fresh transfer. Sorry you have to wait.

At 1:01 pm, Blogger Kris said...

Shit. I'm sorry.

At 9:46 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry Stella. Sending you a hug.

At 12:16 pm, Blogger Lisa said...

I'm glad you've got a plan, but I'm so sorry this ended the way it did. Take care of yourself.

At 12:29 am, Anonymous lassie said...

Your course of action involves sound logic and that is precious important in the ridiculous world of ivf.

I don't know how you feel because I've never gotten as far as you did, but my heart goes out to you. I imagine it's pretty frustrating to deal with such a turn of events.

May your new color scheme set the stage for a very positive and permanent next round.

At 7:34 am, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Oh Stella, I'm sorry....

AND I love your plan- makes sense to do another stim (I did the same thing last year when I had frozens).

Thinking of you.

At 10:23 pm, Anonymous shazz said...

Am sending you a Big hug!!


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