Update

Ouch.

Even couch dwelling is painful. And AdventureBoy is my slave once again.

The surgery went well (or so Dr Challenge tells me) and he thinks they have removed all of it this time. So much so that he has decided not to go with a Zoladex and go straight into another cycle (starting this Monday).

The anaesthetic, however, was another story. It was a long operation (over 2 hours) but before I had been taken from the theatre at the end of it, I woke up! My memory of it was as a dream - you know, those dreams where you can't move, can't open your eyes, can't talk - but it wasn't. I thought that I was calling out only in my head, but apparently I wasn't. I still had the breathing tube down my throat and I was trying to pull it out, so they removed it and I was crying about being scared and trapped and unable to breathe. They obvioulsy knocked me out and I woke again in recovery, completely doped up on morphine and such low blood pressure and heart rate that they wouldn't let me back to my room.

Poor AB was waiting in the room for three hours before I was eventually brought back. I don't remember much of any of this, although I do have a recollection of talking to recovery room nurses about having tickets to see Robbie Williams in December. Of course, a vitally important conversation to be having at that point in time!

So I have been rather beaten around by this surgery. And I have been in quite a bit of pain ever since. Luckily Mum has come to stay for a while to look after us.

But Dr Challenge thinks I will recover quickly and the further supression of the Provera and Lucrin will be good. The other doctor he did the surgery with, Dr Charming, suggested that this is what he would do if I were his patient also. Apparently, Dr Challenge always does this type of surgery with this other IVF specialist friend of his from another clinic and discusses the cases while they are operating. I actually feel very confident about this, knowing that I have 2 specialist opinions making decisions about me.

And I'm quite happy not to have to take the Zoladex and start this cycle as early as possible. Monday it is. Which means transfer etc will be sometime toward the end of October (I think). I'm very pleased about all of this and, despite my current pain, I feel good.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and wishes. I may be a little out of action for another couple of days yet, but hopefully will be back on board again soon. Sorry about my lack of comments at your places, but I have been thinking of you all.

And now, my bed beckons ...

The Petulant Foot catches the Early List

Being pushy obviously pays off.

I'm in for Thursday, so someone's been bumped from the list (sorry for them, really I am, although I'm moving on rather quickly). But I have to start 'preparation' from tomorrow as it is also on my bowel and they will be operating there as well. That means nothing but clear liquid from breakfast tomorrow until I am able to eat after the surgery. I suppose that's a way to drop a few kilos in a hurry!

When not on hormones and medication, I am naturally more prone to the skinnier side of things. During the past few weeks I have been dropping some of the IVF weight without even trying (a very good thing, by the way!). But 3 days without food?! I'll be grumpy, starving and definitely thinner. I won't be able to concentrate on anything and poor AdventureBoy will cop it! I suppose I shoudl give him a bit of pre-warning.

But it's good. Endo will be zapped and I'll have 2 weeks of school holidays to get over it. A shame to waste my holidays, but enforced stillness will be a perfect opportunity to catch up on some movies, reading and, importantly, some PhD stuff. I was going to head off somewhere for a bit of a holiday but home will be good :). I suppose we'll be saving some money ... and we're going to be putting in a new bathroom and a pool before Christmas, so it's all in the interest of better tiles!!!

Now I need to do some work - I'm going to have to cram a week's worth of work into a few days - lucky me. I'd better get to it. Joy.

And a final note ... funny how I can be excited and happy about major surgery - strange and mixed-up priorities in this IF world we have ...

The Endometriosis Merry-go-Round

So it's back. All over the place, apparently. Enough to warrant further surgery for it's removal. So I have to go in again. Endometriosis is such fun ... or maybe I am, that's why it wants to stay.

But my uterine cavity is 'pristine', as always!

Dr Challenge spoke to me straight after the surgery (I'm actually surprised at how much I remember of this conversation given my heavily doped-up state). He said he wouldn't be able to fit me in again for about 5 weeks. I said (impressing myself in hindsight) 'that's not good enough - I can't kep waiting all this time - and I'm about to have school holidays I can take advantage of for recovery'. He said he would look into it - he had a day next week but it was full - but he'd see if he could postpone anyone to fit me in.

Now, I'm not exactly certain that I will draw the lucky straw on this one, but I'm certainly going to push for it. I can't keep having huge blocks of time off work, even though I have the days (weeks) available. It's too damaging to my professional status (and I need to have something to hold onto) and I really want to save my absences for IVF cycles.

So, I emailed him a reminder and I am going to phone him again soon. You've just got to become pushy in this game otherwise I'll be waiting again until next year and I CAN'T DO THAT! As it is, he will want to put me on Zoladex for one month following surgery and head straight into another cycle (any thoughts from anyone out there who has taken this for endo?). That's November. That's when Mrs Precious is due. Then December. That's when I would have been due. I can't have inaction until then - I need to be pushing forward.

It's in my ovaries again too. Removing that inevitably removes ovarian tissue - and potential follicles. I hate this shit. But if I don't treat it I'll never get anywhere. And that's somewhere I can't even consider.

But the thing that shits me most is, why does it return? What am I doing wrong to invite it back? Why can't it just be gone for good?

I have been dizzy and shaky all morning. I don't know whether it's the after effects of the anaesthetic, the painkillers, or the huge sleep I had last night. I have been doing a great deal of couch dwelling today, although the day is beautiful outside and I think I'll go and be dizzy out there. It's going to be 30 degrees today (that's VERY hot for a September day).

I'll update again after I have spoken to Dr Challenge.

M.I.A

Not much to say ... not much to see ...

Sorry I disappeared for a while there. I just needed to think about things other than infertility for a while.

You know how it is.

Of course, I know I wasn't at all successful, but I was able to push it to the back for a week. And I felt light again for a while. Still not out of the dark, but in a place that didn't hurt so much.

Because I really was.

The most recent pregnant girl said to me through the course of our conversation, "it's OK to hate me ... I would ... but only for 24 hours. I don't wan't to lose you like Mrs Precious did". I cried. I hugged her. I got myself back together again. And I thanked her. I didn't hate her. How could I hate her? It's probably been the most sensitive delivery of pregnancy news I've had through this whole thing.

But fuck! It still hurt like hell.

At home, I felt empty. I cried buckets that no-one saw, not even AdventureBoy. At work, I threw myself into my classes, my committees, my teams, my committments. I have worked late and then brought more home. I have swapped my bedtime reading from 'Getting Pregnant' to 'Differentiating Professional Development'. I have tidied my study and rearranged the furniture. And all the books on the many bookshelves around my house are dusted and organised according to genre, height and colour (yes, definitely distracting!).

I have been very busy not hurting.

Mostly, it's been working.

But I've also felt another kind of emptiness. I've missed my blog world and all of you. I have only just now had the time to sit and return. I promise I will catch up with everyone again in the next few days. I'm ready and strong again. I can return without dissolving and focussing so much on the hurts.

I have my exploratory lap this Wednesday, so I'll definitely have some more time (and news, and scars) after that. I'll have the rest of the week off and I'm looking forward to the enforced rest.

Thank you to all of your kind thoughts and wishes. I am holding them close and I know that I need to be here. I hope all of your stories are bringing you peace right now.

Hope.

Who am I kidding?

I think we fool ourselves a lot in this game.

This time, I thought I believed it. I really thought I was OK. I probably was. Things were going well. I have been feeling fine (even if I can't make the haircut look like my hairdresser did).

And then, another piece of news ... another pregnancy ... another friend passing you by ... and any composure you had fought so hard for is gone.

Tonight, I sit here crying again.


The fat drops fall, echoing the falling drops on the window. Red rimmed eyes and a half-hearted attempt at pushing food around the plate. Drain the glass and leave the table, the pressure of normality too hard. A hug feels agressive, unwanted, no comfort, pushed away and another hurt in the air.

Avoid, indulge, turn the other way. Attempt a smile but it fails to land. Try to explain but the language is foreign and the chasm is deep, filled with sharp, pointed spears and the effort seems futile. Retreat to the dark once again.

The dark is comfortable and familiar. A welcome return. The light was too bright and the suffering forgotten. A foolish mistake. It can never be forgotten. It can never be erased. The shadows haunt and beckon. They hold the truth.

Drag the weight along the path of hazards. Trip and stumble, alone. Crumpled and broken, the fat drops fall again, leaving wet holes in the dust of despair. The path ahead in darkness. The path behind, dark too. The only light, a pinpoint of uncertainty. Nothing to grasp or hold.

Hope begins to fade.


Is it time to let go of this dream? It only seems to bring pain.

Step by step

Work has been getting in the way of blogging and I don't like it!

In the first place I have been so damn busy that I have barely had time to look at blogs, let alone write any posts. AND, they have just updated our security software on our server and it won't let me into any blog sites whatsoever! So the only time available to me is late at night when all of my school work is finished and I'm mostly way too tired to stay focused on a computer screen for too long.

I suppose this is my apology for my absence lately. I have however, through necessity, decided that I need to focus on work for the moment to get it back on track again before my next cycle. Because we all know how off track it's easy to become during cycle time ...

And I met with my suprevisors at uni on Thursday and I have a plan which means I still may very well be able to submit my thesis next year and then be able to finish this PhD and (hopefully) enjoy my pregnancy / baby with it out of the way and a really cool title on all of my mail. It's the time I really need to write (I suppose if I spent as much time on it as I do my blog it would have been finished months ago!). I have gathered all of my data,interviewed my staff and colleaugues, refined my theoretical framework ... I just have to do it ( yeah right - it's just that simple:)).

So, the 20th is fast approaching. I will have some new answers and we might even be ready to start a new cycle once again. I will do everything I can to give this one the best possible chance. And I'll keep planting and planning my garden (just in case).

Yesterday, I had my hair cut. I have been growing it for quite a while now and it was down past my shoulder blades. And I was bored, bored, bored! So I told my hairdresser that I was ready for something new and now it's sitting on top of my shoulders in sharp layers with a long, sweeping, side fringe. I also had some highlights added and I feel like a new person. Literally - I don't look like myself anymore. I look like someone much younger and funkier than me and needed to go out and buy 3 new dresses to match that person. I don't mind her. She smiles more and she looks like she likes herself. I hope she stays.

And now I just need to convince my ovaries that they belong to this younger, funkier chick in the mirror.