Sunday, September 17, 2006


Not much to say ... not much to see ...

Sorry I disappeared for a while there. I just needed to think about things other than infertility for a while.

You know how it is.

Of course, I know I wasn't at all successful, but I was able to push it to the back for a week. And I felt light again for a while. Still not out of the dark, but in a place that didn't hurt so much.

Because I really was.

The most recent pregnant girl said to me through the course of our conversation, "it's OK to hate me ... I would ... but only for 24 hours. I don't wan't to lose you like Mrs Precious did". I cried. I hugged her. I got myself back together again. And I thanked her. I didn't hate her. How could I hate her? It's probably been the most sensitive delivery of pregnancy news I've had through this whole thing.

But fuck! It still hurt like hell.

At home, I felt empty. I cried buckets that no-one saw, not even AdventureBoy. At work, I threw myself into my classes, my committees, my teams, my committments. I have worked late and then brought more home. I have swapped my bedtime reading from 'Getting Pregnant' to 'Differentiating Professional Development'. I have tidied my study and rearranged the furniture. And all the books on the many bookshelves around my house are dusted and organised according to genre, height and colour (yes, definitely distracting!).

I have been very busy not hurting.

Mostly, it's been working.

But I've also felt another kind of emptiness. I've missed my blog world and all of you. I have only just now had the time to sit and return. I promise I will catch up with everyone again in the next few days. I'm ready and strong again. I can return without dissolving and focussing so much on the hurts.

I have my exploratory lap this Wednesday, so I'll definitely have some more time (and news, and scars) after that. I'll have the rest of the week off and I'm looking forward to the enforced rest.

Thank you to all of your kind thoughts and wishes. I am holding them close and I know that I need to be here. I hope all of your stories are bringing you peace right now.



At 9:27 am, Anonymous Vee said...

Welcome back !
Good to hear you have been busy. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so busy, but then I wonder whether I would be coping so well if I wasn't so busy.

All the best for wednesday.

At 10:27 am, Blogger Bea said...

Stella - missed you, but figured you were taking a step away to deal. Welcome back. Hope you can be happy (ish) here. Good luck for your lap.


At 12:53 pm, Anonymous Meg said...

Stella - It's good that taking a step back has helped; I know the conflicted feelings about that.. but its good to move away and do some nice busy, productive work for a while, isn't it? I hope the lap goes ok.

My love.

At 9:07 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

I wish I could find a way to distract myself, I'm doing really badly at that. And yes, the house cuold definitely do with a clean, I just can't face doing it.

So glad to have you back with us. Hope you keep on feeling like you can cope.

At 1:13 am, Blogger serenity said...

Glad to have you back, Stella... I have been thinking about you.

Good luck with your lap and definitely keep us posted.


At 7:33 pm, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

So glad to have you back love, how did the lap go?

At 8:23 pm, Anonymous Jennie said...

taking a break now and then is good for the sanity, I'd go nuts if I didn't just break away for a bit every so often.

I'm glad the newest pg girl was sweet but your right no matter how sweet it still feels like a knife in the heart, I don't think that will ever change at least not while we all try so hard for our dreams.

very happy your back we missed you.

At 9:46 pm, Blogger Bea said...

How'd you go? Wednesday, wasn't it?



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