Thursday, April 06, 2006

Almost there


I want the answer but I'm scared to get it.

I don't know what to expect - I don't know how to read my body anymore. Every feeling, every twinge, every cramp. Is it, isn't it, is it?

On Monday morning, I stopped the Crinone gel.
"That's all you need" said Saint Anne. Of course, immediate paranoia set in. She told me that it had been to create a nurturing environment for the embryo.
"But doesn't it still need a nurturing environment!?" I asked, with a particular whine in my voice that I always hate.
"Your body takes over now" she replied.

Well, given it's track record, I've lost a little confidence in my body's ability to do the right thing these days. I figured, however, that they probably actually knew a little bit about what they're talking about and just wait until Friday.

And then, on Monday night I developed the strongest feeling of period pain. After years of endo, I know so well the feeling of period pain. I became angry, frustrated, disappointed and sad. I felt so much right then that it was all over. My body just wasn't up to the task of taking over. I went to the bathroom every half hour to check. The pain stopped and started and I woke up in agony at 3am with a full bladder.

But still no bleed. I figured that it was on it's way, but I have been waiting all week.

AdventureBoy, of course, thinks that this means that it has worked. I, of course, am not so confident. That feeling always means a period for me. And I have no other feelings so far that couldn't be explained as just the usual premenstrual symptoms. I have been bloated, and quite full of gas as well (noice!). Any eating seems to trigger it, no matter how bland. But I don't feel pukey at all. My breasts are a little tender, but no more than they normally are (maybe a little bit more today, but not significantly). I am not tired and I am not even particularly hungry. Really, I just haven't had a period yet, but I don't even know when it is due.

I have resisted the temptation to buy a pregnancy test. I haven't even told AdventureBoy that we could. I don't want to have the 'maybe yes, maybe no' uncertainty. I can have uncertainty every second of every day all on my own thanks very much.

Every night, I have climbed onto the lounge with all of my supplied around me; laptop, phone, tv remote, newspaper, several magazine, journal, pens and books. The cat joins me sometimes as well. Every night I have planned to write here. But I have discovered the lure of other people's blogs and I can't tear myself away. So much pain, so many common experiences, so much humour. I have been desperately and frantically searching for stories of the 'two week wait'. How did others feel? What were the outcomes? Who got pregnant and who didn't?

I think I have become addicted.

At least it's passed some of the time. but it certainly hasn't made my time any easier. Cramps can either mean your period is on it's way or you're pregnant. Sore breasts can either mean your period is on it's way or you're pregnant. Bloating can either mean your period is on it's way or you're pregnant. You can understand my confusion. The only definitive answer is the blood test (or a period).

And that's tomorrow.

But I still feel like the period is about to start at any moment. The pain hasn't actually been too bad today, but there have been moments. I am sitting with a heat pack right now,and have been all week. I am very bloated and feel huge. Sometimes the pain has been just on the left side (the side they retreived most of the eggs from), but mostly it has been low and deep cramping. I just don't know.

I had a fabulous massage today. This was the only time, however, that my breasts have felt more uncomfortable than my regular premenstrual breasts. Laying face down was a bit of a challenge, but I got used to it. As I lay there, I wondered if I had ever had a massage whilst premenstrual before? Maybe I've just never experienced this sensation before.

I tell you, it's mind-bending! I look for every sign and then just as quickly explain it away. My masseur (who is a bit of a herb) told me that during the "off-body energy work" she felt that my root chakra was very strong, "a lot of power and energy there" as she held her hands over my abdomen. "But your intuition", she tapped me on the lower chest, "your intuition feels blocked - what intuition are you not listening to?"

As I left, I kept wondering. I don't know. I can't listen because I don't think I know the language.

I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

All of my fingers and toes are crossed.


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