Ambivalent

I'm due for my next u/s tomorrow morning. On Friday I had 10 follicles ranging from 8-13mm in size - 4 on the right and 6 on the left. Not bad, considering the recent surgery to remove the endometrioma in the left one - and I only had 4 on the right last time (it's a lot smaller due to the extensive surgery last year). Pick-up is not until this Friday, so hopefully they'll grow to a good size (but not too big) by then.

I don't know how I'm really feeling about this cycle. I forget so often that I'm even doing it. Most evenings, I remember with a jolt that I have to inject myself and I'm really not feeling very much different at all (apart from a bit of big ovary action the past few days). I have almost forgotten each appointment and epu has really crept up on me. I look at my blog and realise 7 days have passed since my last post.

I think the best way to describe it would be, ambivalent. It's not that I don't want it to work. I want it more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. But my naive faith and excitement in this process is gone. And it's almost become part of the routine - it has characterised my year and now it's something that's there / not there. Almost like having brown eyes or being left-handed. It's just something that makes up me. I'm not consciously thinking about it and therefore I forget.

I haven't let it get in the way of work this time. I haven't let it change or influence my patterns or behaviours. I can't dwell on it - I can't afford to lose myself in it again. I don't know if I'll even be as devastated if it doesn't work.

I know that it might sound like I'm not committed enough - like I don't care enough - like I've given up.

I haven't. I think I have simply needed to reclaim myself and my life again. To fight against the highjacking I wrote about last post. To be all of the other things I have spent 38 years becoming. I can't waste all of that hard work.

You all know - the things that were important before all of this. The things that make us rich and full and awesome women as individuals. As we have the right to be. The things that are so easy to forget when we feel that we have failed in something that even the most lowly creature on the planet seems to be able to do.

We were all of these things before IF. We still are.

I can't let it take from me more than it already has.