Sunday, October 22, 2006

Ambivalent

I'm due for my next u/s tomorrow morning. On Friday I had 10 follicles ranging from 8-13mm in size - 4 on the right and 6 on the left. Not bad, considering the recent surgery to remove the endometrioma in the left one - and I only had 4 on the right last time (it's a lot smaller due to the extensive surgery last year). Pick-up is not until this Friday, so hopefully they'll grow to a good size (but not too big) by then.

I don't know how I'm really feeling about this cycle. I forget so often that I'm even doing it. Most evenings, I remember with a jolt that I have to inject myself and I'm really not feeling very much different at all (apart from a bit of big ovary action the past few days). I have almost forgotten each appointment and epu has really crept up on me. I look at my blog and realise 7 days have passed since my last post.

I think the best way to describe it would be, ambivalent. It's not that I don't want it to work. I want it more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. But my naive faith and excitement in this process is gone. And it's almost become part of the routine - it has characterised my year and now it's something that's there / not there. Almost like having brown eyes or being left-handed. It's just something that makes up me. I'm not consciously thinking about it and therefore I forget.

I haven't let it get in the way of work this time. I haven't let it change or influence my patterns or behaviours. I can't dwell on it - I can't afford to lose myself in it again. I don't know if I'll even be as devastated if it doesn't work.

I know that it might sound like I'm not committed enough - like I don't care enough - like I've given up.

I haven't. I think I have simply needed to reclaim myself and my life again. To fight against the highjacking I wrote about last post. To be all of the other things I have spent 38 years becoming. I can't waste all of that hard work.

You all know - the things that were important before all of this. The things that make us rich and full and awesome women as individuals. As we have the right to be. The things that are so easy to forget when we feel that we have failed in something that even the most lowly creature on the planet seems to be able to do.

We were all of these things before IF. We still are.

I can't let it take from me more than it already has.

20 Comments:

At 9:13 am, Blogger My Reality said...

Your follicles seem like they are off to a great start.

I hope this cycle has a great outcome for you.

Your attitude about all of this is inspirational. You are right, we are still the fabulous women we were before this journey. Sometimes, I need the reminder. Thank you for that.

 
At 10:01 am, Blogger Sparkle said...

I know what you mean about trying to keep the balance.

BUT it's not true ambivalence - you do care about the outcome, you are just trying not to over-invest in each cycle, since you've experienced failure.

Somehow we all figure out what we need to do to get through.

Congrats. 10 follies!

 
At 12:31 pm, Blogger Zee said...

I don't think it's ambivalence, I think it's just being realistic. You've been down this road before, and you're just taking it as it comes. It's become PART of your life, not your WHOLE life. That's actually a very positive thing.

And you're right about trying to recapture the fabulous babes we were before IF took us over. It's an uphill battle a lot of the time, but it's definitely one worth fighting.

Finally, congrats on the 10 follies. Stella, I truly hope that this time's the one!

 
At 6:32 pm, Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Hallelujah sister.....

Good luck with your scan!

 
At 9:07 pm, Blogger Bea said...

You sound very strong in this post - I hope that's how it really is. Well, strong, I guess, in a sort of "scars to prove it" kind of way, rather than a "look at my perfect muscles" kind of way. Does that make sense?

I'm glad you're not feeling as wound up this time around, and I know you still care about the outcome. I've been wondering about you, but can completely understand not wanting to blog every detail this time around, needing to take a step backwards from the blogging thing. So keep on with what's working.

I guess all I can say is keep up the good work little follicles, and wish you smooth sailing from here on in.

Bea

 
At 12:14 am, Blogger Courtney said...

It sounds like you are definately taking a step in the right direction. It's amazing how much it takes over our life. Good luck!

 
At 2:50 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I am impressed with your strength this cycle. I am definitely a different person this cycle - still desperately hoping that it will work - but knowing and understanding that chances are just as good that it won't.

At any rate, your 10 follicles are good news. So I hope it keeps on coming all the way to the end...!

 
At 7:57 am, Anonymous flygirl said...

Oh Stella, I found myself in tears as I read this. You hit the nail on the head. It's almost impossible not to become defined by IF.

I don't see you as ambivilent. Not one bit.

 
At 11:24 pm, Blogger serenity said...

I don't see any ambivalence here. Coping is the way I'd put it.

You have to do what gets you through the day.

And that's ok.

I am hoping and wishing the very very best for you, Stella.

 
At 4:49 pm, Blogger Kit Fur Cat said...

Congrats on the 10 follicles.

Good luck on the next stage.

Hugs

 
At 6:01 pm, Blogger Bea said...

If it's going ahead tomorrow as planned - good luck. Otherwise - good luck, but for a different day.

Bea

 
At 4:03 pm, Anonymous Jen said...

you still are a rich full and awesome woman IF has just added a few new corners /facets.

 
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