Used to be ...

How do we get ourselves back again? After devoting so much of our time, energy, personality and years, will I ever return to me?

I feel like a lot of what is the essential core of me has been hijacked. Of course, to the casual observer, I still seem like me. But to those who know me, the spark has gone. The energy, the drive, the determination, the freedom - not seen in a long time.

I have just sold my apartment that I lived in when I met AB. I kept it when we bought our house and we rented it out for a few years. I liked that I still had it - I always imagined my children would use it as a stepping stone to independence when they first wanted to leave home. But, it made us a lot of money and AB's accountant brother told us it's time to cash in and use the money elsewhere (yeah, like IVF maybe?).

The other day we went out to give it a final clean and change a few light globes etc. before it settled. I had the deepest feeling of melancholoy while I was there that stayed with me all day (and a few after that as well). I regretted selling it and remembered choosing colours, my Dad helping me paint, the wrought iron stair rail that a friend made for me and, most of all, the life I had while I was living there. It was a 5 minute walk to work, to the beach and to town and it was just me and my cat, my work and my friends. I had a busy social life (that I didn't resent), I travelled, I was studying and loving it, as well as work and life in general. I was fit, happy and healthy.

I wasn't infertile.

AB asked me what was wrong, so I told him of my melancholoy. I told him of the me I was then (the one he met and fell in love with) and that I really loved my life at that time. He asked me:
"Don't you like your life now?"
"Not so much," I replied.

I'm not unhappy, but I have no joy. I don't enjoy myself as I used to and I carry this burden with me everywhere. Even when we're not thinking of it, it's always there, isn't it? Even when I'm trying to be normal, it's there. I just want to lose myself in mirth again. To remember the excitement of anticipation and to just be silly.

I fear that it has been lost forever. And I'll be this serious, obsessed, boring person for all who meet me. I wan't to say 'fuck it' and let loose ... have a few drinks and roll around laughing ... to forget about IVF and IF and enjoy my husband, my friends, my family again, rather than avoiding them because it's all too hard.

The only social interaction I seem to be having is inside my computer. Not that I don't appreciate and value these relationships of course, but I miss my real friends as well.

Most of all though, I miss myself.