Sunday, July 30, 2006

Weekly Review

Our musical is finished (it was a great success). I actually enjoyed it (as I do each year) and I got to forget about IVF for a little while (unless, of course, you count trying to secretively give myself 3 injections in the make-up room toilet in between the matinee and evening show yesterday). We hold our show in a local theatre and myself and my friend Fifi are the make-up artists. I love working with the kids in this context and I get to meet alot of them who I've never actually taught before. This is where I was being picked up on Friday night and was late for AdventureBoy.

AB and I are good again. Our fights never last long and we don't have them very often, but they're always big when they arrive. I actually sent him that letter yesterday at work and he went out to his car to phone me, crying. But he really did hurt me with his comments and inconsistency. I absolutely KNOW he is trying his hardest, but it is easy for him to forget at times.

My Principal was at our musical. She was backstage during yesterday's matinee and was kind of nice to me. That doesn't come very easily to her and I was a little surprised by her gestures.

I don't know if it was a result of our meeting on Thursday - I was so uncomfortable about sharing my information with her. I felt, and told her, vulnerable in divulging. I started by letting her know that, like her, I hated to appear weak, but I may cry through the course of this discussion. I explained how protective I was of my experiences, but it was time to share. How I didn't want her to judge my professionalism. I didn't tell her everything, of course, but I told her about the long awaited pregnancy and the miscarriage and my desire to keep trying. About the fact that I still valued my career. That it could take me a while and I didn't want her to overlook me as a result.

And she thanked me for sharing the information.

I think she felt trusted, but it was for my professional protection that I shared. However, her demeanour toward me certainly changed immediately. I knew she had been questioning my focus, and her reaction confirmed it for me. She was almost relieved. She even hugged me as I left. Great.

I still don't think it was a great meeting. Not that it didn't go well, but I would really have much rather kept it to myself. Even though I can see how much it will help, I feel angry that this IF shit has taken away my ability to maintain privacy. If I was just a normal fertile I wouldn't have to say anything for months after the act. Here, I have needed to say something months, potentially years before. And that's assuming it will work at some time.

And, on that front, next bloodtest and ultrasound tomorrow. Most likely trigger tomorrow night and retreival on Wednesday. My ovaries are definitely growing more each day, causing twinging pain and an uncomfortable fullness. I need to keep drinking lots of water, but I forget. And tonight was the last glass of wine until my beta (and hopefully beyond).

Mmmm ... that was just a bit too much flippant hope exhibited there. You've got to be careful where you throw that stuff around.

People can get hurt with that.


At 4:29 am, Blogger Lara said...

Good luck with your ultrasound tomorrow! Im sure you'll get good news! :)

At 9:03 am, Blogger Bea said...

Good luck with ultrasound.

Sounds like your talk with the principal went as well as could be expected. It does suck that you had to have it at all.


At 11:09 am, Blogger Vee said...

Good to hear you and AB have worked things out. It is horrible not having your best friend beside you through this.

Good luck with your ultrasound !

At 11:10 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am glad that your meeting with your principal went okay. You're right though, it is unfair that we have to share such private information. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow.

At 11:41 pm, Blogger Courtney said...

I hope that glass of wine was your last for a long time! Good luck with the trigger!


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