Saturday, July 29, 2006

A letter to AdventureBoy

Dear AB,

When I said this morning that this cycle is really affecting me, I was mainly talking about physically. I am very drained and tired - more than a good sleep can fix. I am bloated and sore and I have been having a lot of cramps and nausea in the past few days. The needles seem to be hurting more than before and last night I had to start a third injection - that's three every night. I have put on even more weight and at this point there is nothing I can do to shift it. My skin has become very dry and I have had almost constant coldsores since I began. I have also had alternating constipation or diarrhea.

When I say that I am feeling shit I am not exaggerating.

Emotionally, I am just drained. I am not feeling particularly hormonal and if I'm short, it's because I do not feel well and I'm very, very tired. I am also anxious, but that started before the drugs. I am worried that it won't work. I am scared that we'll have to do it again. I'm scared that we'll run out of money.

When you say I was more affectionate or whatever last time, it's because I was excited. I was hopeful. It was all new. This time, it's none of those things. It's just painful, uncomfortable and I am completely aware that there are no guarantees. It might not work and we are no further along and I am just getting older.

I am somewhat depressed. Not because of the hormones. But because I'm fat, broke, professionally worn out and we have no baby. That's what is getting me down. All of those things.

Don't brush me aside because 'she's just hormonal'. That's a cop-out. I am more than just hormones. And I really need to feel that I have your support. Last night, I was looking forward to just lying on the lounge with you for a little while before I went to bed. We haven't had a good talk for about a week. I actually missed you.

And I was late because I was working. You have done that to me COUNTLESS times. Even last week, I was standing on the street, with a computer on my back, alone in the dark waiting for you to meet me for dinner. You got caught up with a call before you left the office. You took it. You didn't call me. You were late.

And I didn't complain.

It goes both ways and I would have appreciated ... no, expected ... your support last night. It was work and YOU will always prioritise it in those situations. I was rushing to get out to you. I didn't even know if you had your phone (often you don't). I appreciated you coming to get me, I appreciated the fact that you came early, but I didn't keep you waiting those 5 minutes for the fun of it. I was working.

And, it was only 5 minutes.

AB, I don't want this to become a continued battle. I (we) have a big week ahead and we need each other. I have a lot to do before I take 5 days off work. It's bad timing but I have no choice. I need to be able to count on you, lean on you, cry to you.

Please don't judge and condemn me at a time I most need your understanding.

I love you.
I need you.

Please be there.



At 9:55 pm, Blogger Bea said...

I'm sorry you're finding the second cycle harder. I hope you can find that person to lean on in AB after all.


At 1:38 am, Blogger Zee said...

Oh Stella. It's so hard, isn't it? I hate the fact that you have to go through this again, and the fact that Adventureboy isn't being supportive in the way you need right now. As you said to me about my recent mini-meltdown with VB: They try, but they're just not made the same. I hope you guys are able to talk it out and that things get better soon. (I'm sure they will. It's just sucky until they do!)

At 2:02 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Oh Stella, I am in my second cycle too, and I feel like I could have written that letter. I hope that AB comes around soon. Hang in there.

At 5:06 am, Blogger Courtney said...

I am sorry you are feeling down. Sometimes it is so hard to get by when your man doesn't understand. I hope AB comes around. Good luck with this cycle!

At 5:18 am, Blogger Thalia said...

Sorry that you and AB are at loggerheads. You know, it's hard for them too, and they're not very good at showing it. I hope you've managed to talk now.

At 7:29 pm, Blogger Meg said...

Stell - Its so hard on us, this IVF garbage. It's so easy to get narky and grumpy and to hurt one another.

I'm sorry to hear this cycle is being so hard on you.

Image of standing on the side of the road with a computer, waiting, sounds familiar. x


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