Dilemma
Every Sunday night my sister and her son come for dinner. They only live around the corner from us and we really enjoy the opportunity to spend time with my nephew, MonkeyBoy, who is now 9 years old.
They have just left and now we are in a dilemma. She has found herself a new man (well, a boy actually - he is 6 years younger than her - not that there's anything wrong with that!). We have met him a few times and she brought him around tonight as well. He is pleasant, he is good to her and her son, he is fine.
But he is dull, he is quiet, he is nervous and he is passive. He would rather watch tv than communicate.
The absolute and complete opposite to my sister.
I know that you don't have to be the same to be compatible, we certainly aren't. But AdventureBoy and I both feel that he is not the one for her. And she is very convinced that he is.
I've not really written much about my sister either. She is 2 years younger than me and it wasn't until we were in our early 20s that we started to become friends. And whilst we frustrate the shit out of each other at times, we are very close. We have already decided that we are always going to live within walking distance of each other. She is a clever woman with a lighting fast wit, although she has never been able to recognise her intelligence. We are able to bring out the ridiculous in each other and we love nothing better than to live a life of word games. Last year, we spent 4 weeks only speaking to each other in cliches ... we give each other challenges to be able to somehow record phrases or words in our team minutes of our meetings and show them to each other. We share books and read each others words (except these - I could never show her these).
It might seem strange that I share everything with her but not this ... I don't know if I can explain that really ... I'll have to think on it. That will be a whole post on it's own.
But anyway, our dilemma. I don't know how to tell her what my instinct is saying. I've heard it for long enough now to know that it's usually right. And the fact that AdventureBoy feels it too, well that's enough for me. Maybe I don't tell her anything. Maybe I wait until it ends ... or doesn't!? Is it my place to say?
I don't know if it is. At the moment, he's making her happy. But I know her enough to know that it won't stay that way. His timdity and reticence will frustrate her. She will want him to make decisions and he won't. She will want him to have drive in his career and he doesn't. They have only been seeing each other for 6 weeks, and we all know how it is in the beginning! And then, I could be wrong. Maybe he is right and I've misjudged.
But my instinct keeps yelling at me.
But what would I know? I married the wrong one before this one.
And so did she. And now she's desperately looking for happiness. She wants a father for MonkeyBoy and someone to keep her company when she wakes up in the middle of the night. AdventureBoy and I are always there, but I know we're not enough. MonkeyBoy loves us (he even asked to stay here tonight when they were leaving) and we have a lot of fun making a difference in his life.
But should I challenge her happiness?
And do I have the energy?
My time is so taken up with my concerns and dealing with all of this ... I should just leave it. But then I'll feel guilty if it doesn't work for her (or guilty if I say something and it doesn't?!). Maybe I should give him a little while longer to warm up a little? I've never been a shy or reserved person .. it might be that I just don't understand him ... I just don't know how she can ... she's far more outgoing than me.
But anyway, back to the BIG OVARIES. I can feel them growing. Honestly, before all of this, I really couldn't be sure exactly where my ovaries were. Now! Now, there is absolutely no doubt. I can feel them, especially when I'm in bed, laying on my side and rolling over. They're not too bad yet, but I can feel them growing.
Come on babies ... go, go, go! Grown and ripen and be healthy and ready for my retrieval on 2nd August.
It seems a long way away because it's another month, but it seems so close as it's only one and a half weeks away. I have so much pinned on my desire for this to work. I don't want to have to do it again (although I know I will do it as many times as it takes). By mid-August I will know and I'm terrified of the answer. At least on this side, it's still maybe ...
Please, I hope it will work ...
posted by StellaNova @ 10:04 pm
11 comments
11 Comments:
We are doing retrieval about the same time - at this stage all I know is that my retrieval will be sometime in the week starting 31st of July - that's next week! And I am feeling my ovaries too!
Go Ovaries! Go!
As for your sister, I have no good assvice. But I will say this from personal experience... I am shy and reserved around new people and situations. I prefer to observe for awhile and I have difficulty with small talk. Frequently I'm sure I come across as shy, aloof, snobby. But I'm not. Once I've warmed up to a situation or new people, once I'm comfortable... watch out. People usually end up saying to me "I thought you were QUIET when I first met you."
It's tough when you are feeling the "warning" vibe about someone your sister loves. That happened with my SIL and her now-husband, though the opposite - he was so insecure that he'd tell stories, sometimes obvious falsehoods, to try and make himself look better than he was. It took the better part of a year, but he did settle in.
Grow ovaries, grow!!!
Hang in there - you and AdventureBoy are doing everything possible for this to happen. It's the best you can do.
*Hug*
I think that your instinct is probably dead-on, but it might be wise to wait before you say anything, unless she directly asks for your opinion on the matter. You run the risk of alienating her, and there's a good chance it won't work in the long run since it's only been 6 weeks. And, if you see them getting serious over the next weeks or months, and you're concerned, bring it up then.
I know it's tough - my sister married someone so different from herself, someone I thought would never work out, but they've been pretty happily married for 6 years now.
GOOD LUCK with retrieval, let's go ovaries, LET'S GO!!
Max is quiet around others and is not into small talk, yet when he is with me I can't shut him up and he is always making me laugh....and that is what I love about him. I often wish that others would see this side of him, but they rarely do. Only close friends...so perhaps give him time and then reassess.
Good luck with this cycle.
Grow follies, grow !
Good luck with the ovaries! When do you find out more?
As for sis - and with the disclaimer that this is coming from someone who's basically talking out of her arse and doesn't really know what's going on - I'd bide my time. Six weeks is early.
Or engage her in a non-confrontational conversation about what *she* thinks of the relationship and where it's going. And how you think it's funny she would get on with someone who has character trait X and does she think she's changed or have you been misreading her all this time? Works best if you have a history of this level of frankness. Otherwise deteriorates quickly into Not Speaking To Each Other.
Bea
This is tough. I say give him another chance. He may just be nervous because he doesn't know you.
Grow follies grow!!
Stell - I tend to want to agree with the others, to be honest. Some people come across as uncomminicative when really they are just shy. It is unlikely she would listen to you even if you did voice your opinion; I think we need to let people make their own mistakes.
Good luck with the ovaries o' hell. I hope all is going well with the school play. xx Our junior musical is actually on this week too.
GO OVARIES!!!
I agree with the others; I tend to be quiet when I first meet someone too, so I would probably give him the benefit of doubt and see how things go...
I have to agree with the others who said to hold off on saying anything, and to watch what develops. If, up the road, she shows signs of getting serious and you still have that negative vibe, it's time enough to subtly ask, "Are you SURE about this guy?"
In the meantime, I'm over here on the other side of the world cheering for you and your growing ovaries. Here's to lots of great eggs -- at least one of which is the golden one!
Six weeks isn't very long. I used to think my instincts were great, and now I've discovered they sometimes are and they sometimes aren't. For example, I thought my brother should split up from his girlfriend and told him so for years. He finally did and when I met the new girlfriend I said immediately, marry that one, and he has and she is perfect. we all love her (and so does he). but i've had people tell me hold onto relationships whcih were bad(because they coudln't see how destructive they were from the inside) and to leave ones which were good (becuase the man was nervous and doesn't come accross well). And i have friends partners it's taken me months and months to warm too.
So give it time. Six weeks isn't long. Hopefully if he isn't right, she'll come to it herself (I'd also beware of encouraging the little boys opinion on it at this time. he is a little boy and the man might end up being his new step daddy!).
But more important than all this:
GOOD LUCK WITH EGGS
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