Tuesday, May 23, 2006


With the coming of the cold weather, I have been lucky enough to bring all of my winter clothes down from where they have been folded in the top of my wardrobe since September last year. I love winter dressing. Layers and scarves and boots and leather. I love the colours and textures of winter and I always look forward to this time of year.

This year, however, it's a different story entirely. To my absolute horror, nothing fits! Everything is just on the wrong side of snug and I am very grateful for the longer coats I am able to wear to cover up my enlarged behind. I've never been so full in my life. I'm not normally one to complain (or even think about) my weight as a rule, but the past few months of injections, bloating, pregnancy, wild hormones and the lack of exercise that that has accompanied all of that has lead to this growth in my girth. And I don't like it.

The couch-dwelling tribute to misery that has been me has developed a more grounded position on this blue-green planet. And now that it's cold and dark, I will have so many excuses to use to get out of any activity before and after work. I guess I can have comfort in the fact that my office is on the 3rd floor in a building nowhere near anything other than a whole bunch of classrooms, forcing me to leave the building if I need to go to the admin areas, to see my staff, to meet with my supervisors, to go to the library ... anything really. For the most part, I actually hate it that my office is so far away. The building is completely empty during lunchtimes and working back after school can sometimes be a little frightening when it's dark. But, I suppose my little bit of fitness will be able to thank me for it. And there's yoga, but even that has been in tha background a little lately.

I don't think I really thought about the impacts that IVF would have on my body. I thought I did, but clearly had no idea. I have always been prone to bloating before my period and I think I thought it would be something a little like that. Haha! Amplified by 500 and we're getting a little closer. And the few weeks of pregnancy tipped it over the edge. Having never experienced that before, I did not at all comprehend the ways in which the hormones would affect every part of me. My mind, my emotions, my energy, my breasts, my bladder, my hair, my whole body. And then gone, but the hormones still partying on right until the end. The guests who wouldn't leave, even though the lights have been turned on and there are no more drinks being served any more.

A cruel reminder of what was.

But, it's my birthday tomorrow. Even though AdventureBoy won't be home tomorrow night. He's going to the football with my Dad (a big game that he has managed to get free tickets for). I actually told him it was OK to go as I knew he was so excited about the opportunity and I love it that he and my father get on so well. He truly is the son that my Dad never had. Until tonight, it was OK. And it's still OK ... but I really wish he wasn't going now.

My wonderful, bisexual, vegetarian, artist friend, Fifi, is coming over to cook me dinner. He has always been there for me (and I for him) for a big part of our lives. He looked at my garden on Sunday to get an idea of the menu for the evening. He is so excited to be cooking for someone as he lives alone and has just broken up with his most recent boyfriend. I'll have my nephew as well because my sister is presenting at a conference, so it will kind of feel like family. Just not the same. Not AdventureBoy and I will miss him.

And now I've got to just stop feeling sorry for my self and go to bed! Things could be worse (platitude, platitude!) and I AM grateful for all of the good things I have in my life (there's just one little thing missing).

Sweet dreams ... star dreaming ... twinkle little moonbeam ... goodnight ...


At 9:26 pm, Blogger Meg said...

StellaNova - I am dreading what IVf is going to do to my body. I quit smoking a couple of months ago, and have put on around 5-6kgs... I ALREADY have no clothes that fit!! Have a beautiful night. It sounds lovely.

At 11:51 am, Blogger sube said...

I'm facing the same dilemma, except with summer clothes over here in the States. I've been afraid to unpack them -- no long coats to hide under in the summertime.

Hope your birthday is lovely.


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