Birthdays

May is the biggest month for birthdays for us. This week was AdventureBoy's and next week is mine. Hi step-mother's was the week before too and one of my very close friends is the week after mine. Normally this would be such a busy and fun time of the year for us. Lots of social events to look forward to and good wine to be drunk. But this year, all it does is remind me that another year has passed and I am no closer to the goal we set out to achieve 2 years ago.

It was just after AB's 40th. We waited until I had my 36th so we didn't have the hurdles of worrying about not drinking and naively thought I'd be pregnant by July. I even thought I wouldn't be able to go skiing that year. We had only been married in the December before and didn't start trying on our honeymoon as I didn't want to possibly be feeling sick and dealing with international travel! Right.

And next week I'll be 38. I've seen all the graphs and read all of the articles. This is when the big drop starts to happen. When IVF success rates decline and miscarriages increase. I never thought I'd still be here 2 years down the track, unwilling to even think about celebrating my birthday with either my family or my friends. This birthday just represents failure to me.

Right now, I have been unable to face many of my pre-IF friends, many who are either pregnant or have 1,2 or more. I find every moment with them or just talking to them painful. The sound of kids screaming in the background while on the phone, timing of dinners or other events revolved around the kids, and the constant reminder that none of this is mine.

Last Friday night was my MILs birthday also. The week before I had my D&C due to the 8week M/C (none of them knew anything of this). I could barely cope and it was all I could do to stop myself from crying all night, with 'Granny' calling all of her grandchildren to gather around for a photo and AB signing the card from us and our cat and 2 dogs (like they're the only ones we're ever going to have). I just sat there all night feeling more and more miserable, with no-one to add to the Granny photo and no-one to write their own messy name on the card. My SIL was talking of trying for #2, but commenting all the time that she wasn't even sure if she even wanted another one because it was so hard. And she had her career to think about. The other SIL has 3 beautiful sons, but constantly talks about the fact that she wished she could have at least had one girl.

I would be ecstatic with at least one of anything! AB and I had the biggest fight when we got home as he thought I was just being grumpy all night. And then it all came out. I have not cried so much since all of this began. I howled and howled and poor AB didn't know what he had started. But he finally understood my hurt and, more importantly, my fear of being childless forever. I am so ready right now and it's hard to keep having hope. It's a scary place that I don't even want to consider.

I think I'm over birthdays for this year.