Saturday, May 06, 2006

Yoghurt, Chocolate and Red Wine

I have just realised what a novice I am in the world of blogs. Over the past few days I have been devouring the blogs of others who have had similar experiences. I have been awed, I have been informed, I have been humbled and I have been hopeful. I am not always sure of the foundations for this hope as not all of the stories have the happy ending I crave. And even those who do achieve success don't always have it happy.

So what do I do?

Do I just keep blogging, hoping, wishing, working? I am thinking about cycle 2 ... after Saint Anne had told me it had worked the first time, I had started thinking that cycle 2 wouldn't be until I wanted child 2. I realise now how naive that assumption was. Cycle 2 could just be another one in the long line of many. (Of course, AdventureBoy thinks it will be the one which works).

But I think I have become stronger over the past few days. And certainly a whole lot more determined. I realised that I had become a little too complacent during the whole thing. Put so much faith and trust in the technology that I lost persepctive of the whole picture. As I reflect on it now, I really don't know how I reached this state. I am the last person to hand over complete trust to mainstream medicine.

I have been a little bit alternative and a lot herbal my whole life (well, since I have had control of it that is, when I left home at 19). I eat organically and grow my own vegies. I never visit doctors and have only had a regular one in the past year and a half since infertility began. I was fully vegetarian for 10 years until I started introducing fish on the advice of my naturopath and, more recently, occasionally free-range organic chicken. I use no chemical cleaning products. I make my own bread, yoghurt, sprouts, muesli and anything else that I can do with some success. I practice yoga, have regular Chinese and shiatsu massage, as well as reiki, kinesiology and I see a fabulous alternative chiropractor. So why did I hand it all over? I don't if I can explain it - I don't know if I even know.

I think part of it was that I just didn't have any answers. And that I didn't want to miss out. After my major surgery in which Dr Challenge removed 8 fibroids, a large endometrioma in my right ovary and extensive endometriosis, I cried. My healthy life and awareness had not prevented this. Heredity was too strong and I had waited too long. At 37 (when the surgery happened) my never-been-pregnant body had had plenty of time to develop all of these horrible things to prevent future pregnancy. Removing the fibroids opened my tubes again - I could never have done that without the technology and I started to see it in a new light.

My mother, at my age, had a full hysterectomy due to fibroids. She had already had 3 children in her 20s, so that was no problem to her. But I'm just trying for my first and I feel futile against the invisible developments in my body which I'm not sure I can fight in my own ways.

But, back to the determination. I let some of my previously healthy practices slip. I think I had lost a little faith in them and handed control over to medicine. But now, I realise I need them even more, to help me get through the tortures that IVF inflicts upon my body. And, maybe, just maybe, to help the next one stick. So, I have started again today with a vengeance. I told my ever supportive sister (who, by the way, still knows none of this) that I was going to become a health vigilante again and her reply, I was wondering where she had gone.

Of course, I still love my red wine, and my organic chocolate, and my french champagne, and my morning cup of tea. These are my sometimes vices and I think I might still need them sometimes to stay sane and not too ascetic. But as for the rest, I have to do it. I don't ever want to be thinking 'what if?' when some of those 'if's' are in my control. Poor AdventureBoy. He knows that when I am like this, he has no hope.

You count too, I told him last night.
You have your rations now.
I know, he said, resignedly. But can't I have just one more glass of wine?
When I'm pregnant.


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