Friday, May 19, 2006

Where did she go?

I am feeling a lot better today, but I have taken the day off anyway. I am still a little physically fragile but, more than anything, I am feeling incredibly emotionally fragile. I could cry with ease if you asked me to (or if you were just nice to me!) and I have lost all motivation or inclination to do anything. I have hermitted myself away from the world and I really just want to be alone with AdventureBoy. I am just now waiting for him to come home for lunch and I really, really want him to be here soon.

I have never been so dependant before in my whole life. My mother used to feel unwanted at my need to 'do it myself!' and when I started my first day of school at the tender age of 4 1/2 years old, I turned and waved to her tears and said "don't cry - you'll be alright without me".

And now I need someone like I've never needed them before. I don't need or want anyone else - I just need him. I kind of feel fairly pathetic about it really. The strong, capable, successful, intelligent woman that I was seems to have left home. Oh, and fit! She was fit and slim too. And now she is nowhere to be found. Poor AdventureBoy. I am sure he is struggling more than he lets on, wondering where the StellaNova he fell in love with and married has gone. She has been replaced with a couch-dweller who is quiet, tearful, lonely and obsessed. She has gained weight and lost any of the energy or vibrancy she once had.

We both miss her.

This is not meant to be a boastful memorial to the fabulous person I once was. I never even really saw or acknowledged that I was any of those things at the time. But, in hindsight, I can see what I have lost. I don't know where to start looking for her again, but I instinctively feel that I need to find her again if my relationship or my career are to survive.

AdventureBoy is home now. And I am so grateful.


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