Monday, May 08, 2006

Warning - long and soppy post ahead!

I went and saw Dr Challenge this afternoon. I have been having quite severe cramping since Saturday night and needed another day off work today due to the horrendous pain and dreadful sleep I had last night. There has actually been very little blood, but it feels like the worst period pain I get, as well as also being worse when either my bowel or bladder are full. Dr Challenge thinks I might have a mild infection and has put me on antibiotics for 5 days to clear anything up.

Just when I made my determined decision to get my life and health back into order. Lucky I made a new batch of yoghurt on Saturday - I'll need all of those acidophilisses and bifidises now! And, there's more. Because I clearly need to be absent from work as much as possible and can't really go a few weeks without some anaesthetic of some kind or another, I am going back in next Wednesday. Dr Challenge said"I would like to have a look at those fibroids that were mentioned on your ultrasound report."

Great. Even more detox on the cards. Even more reason to stay committed to this super health approach. Not that I have much choice I suppose. Unfortunately, the fibroids were the only things growing during this pregnancy. Dr Challenge said that the report said that one of the fibroids was identified as 'submucous', which are the ones that project into the uterine cavity and can impact on implantation or miscarriage. He's not sure that it will actually be there, but if it is he will remove it there and then and hopefully I will just heal quickly. He said he doesn't want to risk wasting a cycle and an embryo if that's going to be in the way.

Bummer though, it's AdventureBoy's birthday and we have tickets to go and see Ben Harper at our local entertainment centre. Oh well, don't mind me ... I'll just walk gingerly and fall alseep mid-show. General anaesthetic always makes me noddy for a day or two afterwards. I don't exactly know how I'm going to explain this one at work without telling someone the truth (or some version of the truth anyway).

I phoned my friend, Sweetie, this afternoon. She is one of my dearest friends who I have known for 14 years now. We actually work together, although we work in different departments and she only works part-time and we never get a chance to talk during the day, and usually catch up after school or during weekends. She always knows exactly the right things to say in any sitiation and always has the most sensitive approach to anything that might be difficult in any way. She is insightful, intuitive and I can't believe I didn't speak to her about any of this before now. Well, I can actually, but I'm really glad I did today.

Funny, but she knew anyway. I can't believe her intuition and compassion. She had noticed that I was away last week and when she found out I was again today she said: "is this about IVF?" I can't believe she could do that. Of course she has known that we have been trying without success but I have not said anything to her about it. We have been through so much with each other (including supporting each other through unfaithful husbands, sexually transmitted diseases, divorce and finding love again). Our 14 years together have created one of those bonds which do not have to be attended to every day to be strong. I am eternally grateful for her words and feelings today.

She also suffered a miscarriage before her first child (who is now almost 6) and, even though she had every right to say that she understood the feelings, she had the compassion to say, "but I can imagine it would be so much harder for you, after going through IVF to achieve it." And she even understood my complaints about Mrs Precious. Her comments, "well, I wouldn't know, but I don't think anyone could understand anyone else's infertility unless they've been there - I've heard that it's just as traumatic and stressful as those suffering from a terminal illness." Not that I could even dream of comparing myself to the life-threatening nature of terminal illness, but her words were full of a desire to understand.

You may wonder why I took so long to tell her? I have known all of these qualities for many years (which is why I have been her friend for so long). But she has her own issues to deal with and I didn't want to burden her with mine. And I just didn't feel like I wanted to tell anyone. She understood exactly why I hadn't and even added a few reasons of her own. She is a single mother of two very active and intelligent boys. Her ex-husband is a total dickhead and continues to provide her with grief even though they have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Her new (2 years now) boyfriend is an OK guy, but she knows he is not 'the one' and stays with him because "the boys love him and he helps me out". She is the youngest of 9 kids and there are numerous family issues going on at any one time.

So, after today, I love her even more. And I feel a strange kind of relief. I didn't want to tell my sister as her support and compassion would be too close. I speak to her several times a day and see her at least every second day. I certainly wouldn't tell Mrs Precious and my other friends would be wonderful, but live too far away or have other things going on. Sweetie would be there every day if I needed her, or once a month without prying if I didn't. She is close enough for me to visit but distant enough for me to withdraw. She is never overt in her concern, but pragmatic, realistic and sensitive. I am happy and feel warmed by her knowledge, if that makes sense?

And it takes some of the pressure off AdventureBoy who is just about to serve dinner that he has made. I know I am married to the most supportive and wonderful man for me. I know it's been hard for him too and he has done everything within his power to ease the burden for me. He doesn't always know the right thing to say and suffers my wrath at times ... and for still understanding and staying himself, I love him even more.

Sorry for a bit of a long and soppy post today. I don't know if it's hormones or lack of sleep, but I am feeling so touched by anyone who is showing me kindness at the moment.

And now, it's time for dinner.


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