Empty

As I sit here, probably feeling mournfully sorry for myself, I think I also feel relieved. If it wasn't going to work, I'm glad we found out now, rather than weeks further into the hope and expectation.

We went and saw Dr Challenge on Tuesday evening. My blood results were clearly indicating that there was no hope and the ultrasound had already stated the same thing. I was disappointed, although I thought I would have been worse. I suppose I had been preparing myself for this since Friday. I knew. Any symptoms I had were all but gone and in my heart I knew it was no longer there.

"I have a space tomorrow morning for surgery", said Dr Challenge. Oh shit! So soon? Could I have tomorrow off so easily? I mentally ran through all of my meeting and appointments - and then mentally slapped myself around the head a bit. I always put work first and, in this, I need to start putting me first. "OK, I'm in."

I phoned the day surgery in the morning and they had all of my details ready to go in front of them.
"StellaNova, yes! I was going to phone but didn't need to wake you up too early. We have all of your information from last time, so just turn up. We'll have a bed waiting for you."

All of the familiar faces and all of the familiar smiles. "Clear the way, StellaNova coming through." And before I knew it I was in. Dr Challenge still pondering his latest challenge: "I just don't know what went wrong?"

He had told me the night before that the fact that they had both implanted first time was a good sign. "I have much better success with eventual pregnancy when this happens." AdventureBoy held my hand and smiled at me: "See?" AdventureBoy, the eternal optimist. Even in the face of overwhelming adversity, he can always be relied upon to see the positive.

Before infertility, every month: this is the one, I just know it! Every month, when it wasn't: it will be next one, I just know it! After transfer: this is going to work, I just know it! And then it did! See, I told you it would! And then, after the ultrasound on Friday: well, she said it might be just too soon. It will be right, I just know it!

It has been hard at times not to become infuriated at the impossibility of his certainty. You can't just know it all the time, I stamp my petulant foot at him. But you have to stay positive, his buoyant reply. You have to be realistic, I always say in a small voice. Because my heart will break with the disappointment if I don't.

After the appointment with Dr Challenge: well, now we have a month to try for it to work naturally. It's hard not to smile at his naivety. I know he keeps me from going too far the other way. Not that I am prone tp depression or pessimism, and I am certainly not a quitter. But my realism can sometimes offer little room for hope, especially for an AdventureBoy who only sees the sky as the limit.


And so I fall into the safety net. Lucky it's there, I hadn't really noticed it before I started on the tight-rope. The helping hands of AdventureBoy, Dr Challenge and St Anne help me to the side again. I pause to catch my breath - it was a long way down and the fall was a little frightening. St Anne points to the ladder. "When you're ready, StellaNova, we can help you climb again." Dr Challenge nods calmly. AdventureBoy rubs my neck and runs to get me a cool drink. I look up again. The tight-rope is almost invisible from here. But I know what it looks like now. I know what to expect and I think I'll be better at it this time. I've even learnt a few more juggling tricks to woo the crowd.

Right-o then! What are we waiting for?