Saturday, May 06, 2006

Life ... and other thoughts

I thought I needed to write about something else for a change. I'm right now watching my favourite gardening program on tv. I actually don't watch too much tv - I'm usually far too busy! But today I have been coming to this major position of completely reevaluating the way I live my life. Perhaps not my home practices so much - I love my life at home. My garden, my cooking, my furry babies. My plans, my books, my broadband. My bath, my bed, my comfy couch. All of those things are good. Really, all it's just waiting for is the real babies.

The miaow is Siena and she will be 14 this year. She keeps the dogs under control - that's one of their mats she decided to sleep on and they won't go near hear as she rules the roost. If she wants the mat, she gets it! The big dog is Reuben and he's the baby and a big sook - only 2 years old - and Luna, she will be 4 this year. We love them desperately and AdventureBoy is absolutely committed to the dogs. Siena has been with me since I finished uni and even though she loves him when he feeds her, she's mine.

I think it's work more than anything. I put in so much effort to get to where I am and I'm not sure that I like it anymore. I'm the head of a middle school in a much bigger school and I love a lot of it, especially working with the kids and my staff. But there is little room for anything other than 200% commitment as a leader which, prior to infertility, was never a problem for me. And I was happy with it. AdventureBoy and I are both driven professionals and we encourage each other to achieve our best.

But now, with my focus very elsewhere, it's hard. I need information about what has been happening to me, as much as I can get, and I am reading, researching, ranting and assimilating. All of my spare time and mental energy is devoted to this pursuit and work is becoming more difficult and more of an imposition with each passing month. I'm not sure I actually have an answer to my dilemma. We cant' afford (and I wouldn't like it anyway) for me to stop working. I'm certainly not going to step down from my position. I guess I just need to work on ways of keeping it in balance.

And I want more time to complete my thesis. I love doing it but I never have time. I want to finish all of my research and preliminary writing by the end of this year. Then I can write, edit and submit sometime next year (depending on the success of my quest). Doesn't sound unreasonable ... I just have to work out how I can make it happen.

Well, I think that's it for tonight.


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