Thursday, July 20, 2006

Bad Day

Every year, we have Grandparents Morning for Year 7. There are performances and tours, morning tea and speeches and at the end, the girls all give their grandparents a gift they have made for them. It's a lovely, heartwarming family event and it happened today.

And there were tears at the back of my eyes for a large part of it. I don't know whether it's the injections or just my general feelings about this whole infertility thing ... but I was fighting them for most of the morning. I kept thinking that maybe, this might not ever be mine. I wanted it. I wanted to be able to know the pride and joy that was so evident amongst these people. Two of our staff were also grandparents and I have known these people for so long and never seen them so full as when their grandchildren came to shower them with warmth and hugs.

For a wonderful event, it gave me a really bad start to my day. I have been snowed under at work since I returned from holidays in preparation for a departmental school inspection (all of the documentation is due tomorrow). I just finished my last bits then (explaining the lack of writing this week). After that, I got a letter from my principal putting a particularly negative spin on a meeting we had last term. Before I knew it the day was over and I still hadn't finished half of the jobs I had needed to do.

But I had to go as Saint Anne was expecting me - I picked up my mighty Gonal-F pens and a special little package for AdventureBoy. He was rather excited about his present when I gave it to him.
When do I need to fill it?
Not until the 2nd August ...
(and I started on the 29th June).
Another little dig that didn't help my day at all.

And I absolutely DO NOT recognise this body that I now have to call mine. I tried to buy some clothes today after seeing Saint Anne and nothing fits! I look terrible and all of my underwear now digs into my flesh. I have never had to worry about my size before and have always been a pretty standard size 8 (Australian) all of my adult life. I was SO miserable in the change room and didn't want to buy anything. There are parts to my hips now that I can't even fathom and the experience firmly entrenched the bad day even further.

I hate that this happened to me on top of everything else. I can't even feel a little bit normal - I'm down to only a minimal wardrobe that I can wear and I know I look different too. Usually, a couple of weeks of walking will make a dent in it, but not this time. I feel like I've even grown. Surely that can't be the injections having such an extreme effect this time?

So there's another mopey one ... I don't like to feel like a whinger all the time. I promise a more positive post next time. I need to for my own sake.

And I do have something to look forward to in the next couple of weeks ... BIG OVARIES!!!


At 7:30 am, Blogger serenity said...

Stella- I am in the same boat- can barely recognize the person in the mirror sometimes. I hate shopping.

Looking forward to reading about your big ovaries!!!!!!!!!

At 12:13 pm, Blogger Zee said...

Whinge away! We're here to listen and empathize. I can totally understand the Grandparent Morning setting off your emotions. I'm never sure what's going to make me tear up. And before the whole IF nightmare started, I was NOT a big crier. Now, UGH! Let's just say that it's not just in the mirror that I don't recognize myself.

At 8:58 pm, Blogger Vee said...

I hope the work load gets lighter.
Yes I was told by my nurse GonalF can give you a healthy appetite, I blame it for my weight gain. Like we don't have enough to worry about...
Bring on the BIG OVARIES !

At 5:33 pm, Blogger Meg said...

Hi Lovely SN - Thank you for clarifying my follie questions just now... that was what I thought. There are just too many things to stress about, quite frankly.

Good luck for the beaurocratic red tape, hope all goes well.

I know how you feel with the wardrobe.. Perhaps I can send you all the size 10 stuff I have recently grown out of, haha.

I'm sure it will even itself out. Love to you.

At 2:01 am, Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am sorry that you had a bad day. I can't wait to read all about your big ovaries. Hugs.

At 7:29 am, Blogger Thalia said...

Don't let the weight gain get you down too much. It's very frustrating and depressing, but you can lose it again, and it's in a good cause. Hang in there.


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