Friday, June 16, 2006

Who gets it?

Mrs Precious sent me an email this week. She wants to renew the friendship, but her overtures still completely missed the mark. It was all still viewed completely in terms of her, with comments like "you haven't tried to talk to me about this", "I feel you are punishing me" and "I know that you would be happy for me after all I have been though". Lip service to "I know how you feel", but essentially all about her.

I replied, but I found it so hard. Yes, a big part of it is the fact that before, both of us were pregnat and now, only one of us is. But the biggest part for me is the selfishness and superficiality she displayed while we were away. Even if the friendship renews, it will never be the same again. I really don't want to have to live every moment of her pregnancy as she would rarely stop to think that it would be hard for me to hear all about it. Her world is only her and it is that side of her that I can't reconcile with the thought of continuing friendship.

And then, maybe I'm the selfish one. I should be happy for her, but I'm resentful. She hurt me and made me angry and I don't know how I want this now to be. I will call her tomorrow because we are both going to the same engagement party tomorrow night. How do I cope with everyone oohing and aahing over her news? To stay away from her would be obvious. To be with her will be painful. No win really. Hopefully tomorrow's conversation will be a bit of a buffer. And AdventureBoy's presence.

And in absolute and stark contrast is my fabulous next door neighbour whose new son is 4 weeks old now. They came in for dinner a couple of weekends ago. The boys were out by the fire and she and I sat inside and I told her everything (including the Mrs Precious bits). She was empathetic in the right bits and warm and encouraging where appropriate as well. When I told her that they had both implanted, her first comment was "that's so good - so encouraging". I wanted to kiss her, but thought that might be a bit beyond the bounds of our normal interactions.

Later that week, I came home to find a bottle of wine and a card on my front doorstep. A message of sympathy, encouragement and hope and an invitation to visit and share a glass or two whenever I needed to talk. She absolutely and totally 'got it'. Why, without ever having been there, with two healthy kids, did she get it so well? I know there is a difference in the depth of knowledge from each, but I am still 100% sure that she would always say it right while Mrs Precious would always say it wrong.

I know I'm not the first to say, think or feel this but I think it's one of the hardest things of this whole process. Being infertile is one of the most isolating experiences. The world inside my computer the one that most reassures me that I'm not alone.

My kit arrives from Saint Meagan on Monday. I start Provera on the 29th. I am not going to wait another month. This one will be that month. We'll try our little butts off next week (and maybe even enjoy this time) and if no success, then we're all geared up and ready to go. The waiting month would kill me - I want this to happen and I need to make it happen. As Dr Challenge said, it all about numbers. The more times we try the odds move closer towards that chance of success.

And now I'm back to school for an Art Exhibition opening. I'd really rather stay here and write some more ... maybe tomorrow.


At 7:55 pm, Blogger Meg said...

SN - God, I hate this friendship crap that comes with IF. I know we should be trying to be the good guys, blah blah, but GOD, who's going through this crap, you know? Why should WE have to be the ones who are understanding?

I have a mutual friend's birthday next week where I will probably have to see my own personal friend-from-hell (only mine isn't pg) - I am actually considering just staying home.

Bleuch. Vent, Vent, Vent. I'm so sorry... What a mess I made all over your comments section!


At 9:52 pm, Blogger Bea said...

Yeah, you know - I don't think you need to be She Of Wisdom And Grace all the time. Sometimes it's just too bloody hard. But admit it - you do like yourself better if you can make yourself live up to that paragon at least some of the time, don't you?

I hope the do goes well this weekend. Meaning I hope you make it through relatively unscathed.

And I'll be watching and hoping this cycle is The One.


At 5:26 am, Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

I hope you make it through the party somehow!

We have high expectations that other people, especially women, will "get it" automatically. Sadly, only a few of them do. My solution has been to tell no one. I mean no one. My husband, our RE, and the nurse are the only people who know what we're going through.

I'm not good at the friend/relationship stuff anyway, and trying to add IF into the mix is way too complicated for me.

If I don't tell anyone, I can't be disappointed in their reaction or behavior. But with that also comes the isolation and dependence on my husband through this.

Thank goodness for the IF blogosphere. Everyone has been so helpful and therapeutic for me.

At 1:16 am, Blogger Thalia said...

What a lovely neighbour you have. I'm glad you've got that kind of support right next door.

Let's hope that provera kicks in easily, so that you can get going again.


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