Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Back at the Big Top again

Dr Challenge phoned today. The results of my karyotype tests have come back. And I'm not sure what they tell me. He said all that could be determined was that what they tested was female and normal. And that it could have been me. Or at least bits of me rather than bits of the two sacs which were removed during the D&C.

So, essentially, nothing.

I don't know whether I'm dissapointed or OK. I keep wondering if my two embryos were girls. I have always wanted a little girl. A little girl with my brown eyes and long dark hair and AdventureBoy's beautiful fingers and long lean legs. With my love of words and his love of action. With my skills with the visual and his skills of empathy. With my genes and his, irrevocably united for the entirety of her life. I miss her already. I know her like she is me and I want her to come home. I can see her learning to walk against the legs of my old chairs and learning to read in the sunlight by the back door. Dressing herself and stomping when she is angry. Running to greet AdventureBoy when he arrives home from work. Helping me plant seedlings and painting on the deck. I love her.

And don't get me started on her little brother.

I mourn what I thought I would have had by now. That doesn't preclude my hope for it happening sometime, but I really thought it would be now. I don't know if Dr Challenge's report helps or it doesn't. It certainly doesn't get us any closer to understanding why they didn't make it. I don't know if I needed it. I just need to keep going.

Which brings me to another dilemma I have been having for a few weeks now. Should I start again on the very next cycle ... or give it another month to give my body a chance to get back to feeling like itself again? The hormones have made such a huge impact on my shape and health that perhaps another month would help detox them out a bit more. But I'm getting further into 38 with each passing month and I'm kind of impatient to get started straight away. And backflipping again there's the somewhat naive hope that we might actually become pregnant naturally if we give ourselves a chance.

My life (my mind) has become a perpetual see-saw of conflicting emotions, thoughts, ideas and actions. I just wish I could know the outcome in advance - it would make decision-making so much easier.

So I'm standing outside the Big Top again. I know where the secret entrance is now but I don't know if I should go in. I have been practising and the roar of the crowd beckons me. But I'm scared. What if I fall again? The tight-rope is so high and end gets so tantalisingly close.

Maybe I should try again on the line I have set up at home? I have the skills, I know the moves, AdventureBoy is there, but I have no safety net. Can I fall as hard from a lesser height?

Or am I just wasting time?

I think I'll just sleep on it.


At 4:36 am, Blogger Amy said...

I can relate to you. I used to imagine my child, the things they'd do, what they'd look like, everything. It's hard to know where to go next. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I will be thinking of you.

At 6:50 pm, Blogger Bea said...

Oh, Stella-Nova. You sound so confused. I want to tell you to just do X and it will all be ok.

Now what's X?

I can feel how much you miss your babies, even through the computer screen.


At 8:10 pm, Blogger Thalia said...

Sleeping on it sounds good. I don't know the answers. I know our clinic would tell us to wait a while, to let the body recover. But you have to do what is right for you.


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