Friday, March 24, 2006

Like a Virgin

A bit nervous - like a virgin - my first time - is this what I want? I can never take it back ... but I don't think I want to. I want to do this. I need to.

For me.

And them.

And him.

Poor him. He has been so patient and calm and present. I couldn't have started it all without him - literally and emotionally. But I think he'll be grateful for the break from the onslaught of my twisting hormones. And my pain. And trying to cover his for me. It's hard for an AdventureBoy to be so calm. I know and love his sacrifice.

Right now, we have seven, but what if they all don't make it? In fact, I know they won't and that is scaring me just a little. What if none of them do? Tomorrow I will know and it seems like an eternity away.

I woke up this morning thinking of them. Ours, but so far away. In a warm, dark dish. Home for the moment. I can't help them from here - I can't look after them - I can send them encouraging thoughts ... keep dividing ... keep changing ... stay warm ... don't give up ... but that's about it for now. I'm looking at the rain out of the window. Such simple things to keep my veggie garden fertile. Some manure, deep soil, some mulch, and water. Maybe I just need to water myself a little more?

It's hard to know. But we'll keep trying. Wishing. Hoping. Waiting.

Time to go to the Leech Centre again. It's supposed to be before 9am but I think I'll be late. I've taken a few days off work and I feel surprisingly calm about it. I think I'll take some new magazines with me. I can't stand to keep reading the same grubby words from the same grubby pages. I have no delusions, of course, that these won't also become grubby soon enough. But at least they'll be current. Brad and Jen are still together in most of them there ... and Diana is even alive in some.

Time to move ...


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